The NBA has finally returned, and all of your favorite stars – from Donatas Motiejunas and Hollis Thompson to Gary Harris and Dewayne Dedmon – are back for another great season! Part of the exhilarating fun of following sports is making predictions at the start of a season and looking back on what you got right and wrong. We’ve already done this with the current NFL season (most of our predictions have already come true), and now we’re ready for the new NBA year.
We’re not holding back, either; these are some bold-ass predictions. Sure, we could all predict that the East will be a consistent dumpster fire and that Kobe Bryant will murder a teammate on the court during a game, but those are too easy. We like to make things tough on ourselves around here.
With that in mind, here are our 16 predictions for the 2015-16 NBA season:
- The Monstars come back for revenge against the Looney Tunes and begin sapping the talent of NBA players, but they find themselves with far different results this time around when they steal from the Philadelphia 76ers.
- Adam Silver abruptly leaves his post as NBA commissioner to play Dean Pelton in season 7 of Community. That’s right, Community is still on the air, now streaming from yahoo.zw.gov/freeTVstreamnow.
- In a publicity stunt to create ongoing synergy, the Cleveland Cavaliers’ bench will be replaced by the cast of Trainwreck for an entire month.
- Along with their new jerseys, logo and court design, the Milwaukee Bucks will introduce their new mascot as “Buck” from the 1988 hit film The Great Outdoors.
- Matthew “Delly” Dellavedova opens Delly’s Deli in Shaker Heights, Ohio. It’s a little building, but surprisingly successful.
- The Boston Celtics package all of their first-round picks into one massive trade that changes the fortunes of the franchise forever, as they pick up Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce and Ray Allen.
- James Harden’s beard falls off mid-game, and the crowd is shocked to find he has secretly just been Michael Jordan in disguise the entire time.
- The Philadelphia 76ers try to sucker in some fans with a Wilt Chamberlain Hologram Night. The hologram proceeds to have sex with 20,000 women.
- A golden retriever hits ten consecutive free throws during halftime at a Brooklyn Nets game and is immediately signed as part of an Air Bud fantasy play. He averages 12 points per game during the season and winds up not being the first Nets player to openly take a dump on the court during a game (that honor will go to Joe Johnson).
- Tim Duncan misplaces the jug of water from the fountain of youth from which he drinks every season, and completely disintegrates on the court in December.
- Metta World Peace changes his name to Meta World Peace.
- Celebrities continue to attend Lakers games but no one can ever figure out why.
- With recent studies speculating that preserved meats like sausages, bacon and other red meats may cause cancer, Glen Davis starves to death.
- Stan van Gundy (the Notorious SVG) and Ruth Bader Ginsburg (the Notorious RBG) record the hard-hitting hip-hop streetball anthem no one saw coming called “Night Court,” featuring Wiz Khalifa and Marsha Warfield.
- To spice up the All-Star weekend, the NBA decides to let real mascots have real to-the-death fights.
- In the continuing effort to expand his brand, LeBron James begins an EGOT campaign, starting with an Oscar for his role in Trainwreck. He also begins working for the government, carrying out secret missions that will include posterizing ISIS by dunking bombs into their strongholds.
- Bonus 2040 Prediction: Riley Curry continues to disrupt her father’s postgame interviews (he’s now a commentator) by climbing on the announcers’ table and mugging for the camera, which results in her ultimate dismissal from the prominent law firm where she works.