Dear Dad-Knows-All, I’m worried about my daughter; I think she’s lonely. The other day I saw her cuddling her dog in a way that made me distinctly uncomfortable. All curled up on the couch, whispering sweet nothings into the dog’s ear. It’s not normal. Anyways, she doesn’t have a boyfriend and I don’t remember if she has any hobbies. Maybe something to do with Korean skincare? I want to set her up with someone, but I’m afraid she’ll repel them. She’s just…How do I write this? I love her–her mother made me state that after extensive therapy–but she’s kooky. Like…
Author: Rebecca Silver
Rebecca Silver
Rebecca Silver is a writer and stand-up comic in Chicago. She tells jokes about failures, family, and other things that start with an “f” because she believes in the rule of threes. Follow her on Instagram or Medium.
Well hello there, gorgeous. Let me just start this digital interaction by saying that you are beautiful. I’m completely spellbound by your ears; those are the ears of a canine who knows how to listen to a simple man’s complaints. And you have the most beautiful brown eyes. Soulful and warm, those eyes make me think I could be a better man. Your mom is nice looking too or whatever. I just have so many questions. Namely, what’s your name and how can I get you in my life? Your owner gave me her name and her interests, but didn’t…
It wouldn’t be right for you to have one helping of soup before I get seconds. I just finished my meal at this James Beard award-winning, newly Michelin-starred restaurant, Ivy League, when I walked by this soup kitchen. Did you know that there’s free food served there? Like, it took me two years to save up and make a reservation at Ivy League and you just walk up from the street and get a meal for nothing! And sure, it’s just a soup, but it looks pretty hearty. I did just have a 6-course meal, but I could eat again.…