Benevolent producers, a million dollars just isn’t what it used to be. Neither is the $75,000 third-place prize I happened to win. So, I’d like you to consider a Cost-of-Living Adjustment (COLA) roughly commensurate with the rate of inflation. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. I jumped through literal hoops for you. I’m not ungrateful. You’ll remember how I cried on finale night, filled out the paperwork without even skimming it, and made some joke about how you’d never see me again. Well, then I got home and remembered how expensive everything is. I told my roommates about…
Author: Nathan Vogel
Nathan Vogel
Nathan is a husband, dad, and humorist based in Mulberry, FL. He is so above plugging his other work. On an unrelated note, please check out his Instagram to see his other work: @nathanwritesfunny
My first St. Patrick’s Day pinch was in second grade. As I stared at the giant green “F” on my color wheel test, Greg Mutch snuck behind me, dug his grimy nails into the flesh of my underarm, and pulled like he was trying to peel the plastic off a container of ground beef. Unlike most plastic covers, I tore. My teacher, hearing my cry, looked up and called out to Greg, “You really should explain why you’re doing it — that it’s festive.” And so began my miserable twenty-year history with St. Patrick’s Day. On any other day, being red-green colorblind…
It was a dream come true: a new house? No, a new mansion! And after the year we had, we were overcome with gratitude. I cried, of course, when I saw how they’d transformed our dated old house. I did not expect the brand-new ceiling to cry too. About a week after the film crew left, we started noticing just a sprinkling of issues. A window slightly off its frame, a faucet no one connected to the water line, nails sticking out of the kids’ bedroom floor—things I’m sure anyone with a newly renovated home has had to deal with.…
Last week, you all changed my life. I didn’t even know it was possible to feel so good, so confident and comfortable in my own skin. We laughed, we cried, we danced. Then you left. I’ve got emotional whiplash, and I just wish you would come back. I promise I feel just as miserable as when you first showed up, so you can get a whole other episode out of me if you want. I don’t feel miserable, I’m sorry. It’s just that last week felt like a movie. Or a TV show. For the first time in a long…