I’ve been on Cameo more than two months, and not one person has bought a video message off me. But why? The Juice is skilled at many things: football, acting, and always getting the job done. Whatever your beef against me, one piece of evidence that’s been proven true is you can receive a Cameo from me that slays for the price of $500. That’s a price that can’t be beat, even when the beating comes from yours truly! So why doesn’t anyone want a Cameo from me? If you purchased a Cameo from me, I’d make it super personalized…
Author: Emily Kapp and Daniel Stillman
Emily Kapp and Daniel Stillman
Daniel Stillman is a Chicago-based humor writer who has appeared in Robot Butt, Flexx Mag, Funny-ish, Little Old Lady Comedy, and Weekly Humorist. Emily Kapp is a comedy writer based in Chicago. You can read more of her work at emilykapp.journoportfolio.com.
Times are a-changin’, alright. And I gather we’re sacrificing some of our truest, most wholesome old-fashioned family values with this change. When friends and family inquire lovingly what I miss most about life before this gosh-darned virus, I’ll admit every time it’s casually strolling down a street, seeing a passerby nod my way, grabbing their face and absolutely hocking a loogie into the back of that kind stranger’s gullet. Jesus, take me back! It was such a simpler time, too. Simple in that the mouth was as free as a bird, open and ready to receive a good hacking into.…
Welcome to Sam’s Club, you pieces of shit. You are standing before us in the candlelight of our back storage room with dozens of photos of Sam Walton, our founder, surrounding us because you have made the oath to become one of us, a Sam’s Club membership holder. Tonight, you will begin to prove your loyalty to Sam’s Club. Sam’s Club isn’t just a convenient, price-conscious, one-stop shopping center for the whole family, and it’s more than just a club: it’s a brotherhood for life where bloodlines run deep. I will now read the rituals for pledging for Sam’s Club…
World Naked Gardening Day used to be my favorite holiday. But year after year, as WNGD rolls around every May 2nd as it always does, it just feels like the magic is lost. Growing up, my parents made it feel so special for us kids. Waking up at the exposed asscrack of dawn on World Naked Gardening Day morning, running out to the garden, stripping down nude – it always felt so miraculous. My wife and I worked hard to give that same enchanting experience to our own children, but as the years have gone on, it’s starting to feel…