“Sanctions only work when they force behavior change, but in Putin’s case they won’t.” – Peter Tchir, head of global macro strategy at New York-based financial firm Academy Securities via Time, February 23, 2022
1. The Chance to Rewrite History
By that we mean, if he agrees to send the military home, we’ll give him the Executive Producer title on season 3 of The Great, where he can be in charge of rewriting Russian history. It’s mostly fictitious anyway – except for the borscht parts – so if he wants to add a smart Vladimir character in his likeness, by all means – huzzah!
2. SKYY Vodka
Forget elite robust and spicy vodkas that have been an Eastern staple for centuries. Surely Putin will be tempted to call off a war with an endless supply of “fresher-tasting vodka” made here in America under capitalism. If he’s not content with this flavor, we’ll offer up our other esteemed spirit: American Harvest Organic – Idaho’s finest vodka from the state that specializes in potatoes (a staple in borscht).
3. Herring Under a Fur Coat
Did someone say potatoes? We promise to add this salad made of herring, potatoes, and beets to school lunch menus across the United States to showcase the uniqueness of Russian cuisine. This is essentially borscht in a stacked salad with fish, but kids should get a kick out the fur coat name and we can sell the potatoes as deconstructed French fries. The other ingredients will be a tough sell, but we’re willing to put in the hard work if he’s willing to refrain from acting like a dictator.
4. The Day After the Day After President’s Day
We can’t give him actual President’s Day because that’s a Monday, but we can give him a day for The Defender of the Fatherland Day celebrated in Russia, usually around February 23. Sure, we’ll give America another day off, throw some kick-ass parades in honor of his Armed Forces, and eat a shitload of borscht. Heck, we’ll even ignore the fact that this holiday is also known as Men’s Day and was started to counter Women’s Day. Want some girls to butter up men with lavish gifts? Sure, if it means Putin holds his literal horses.
5. The Cast of Friends
We all know Putin is into entertainment – he even created his own reality show. And everyone knows winning TV ratings is much better than winning wars. So we’re thinking he’d be thrilled for the experience of dining with Rachel and Monica over hot, steamy borscht. We’re sure Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox want to end this thing too, so we’ll arrange for Putin to have some private time with the whole cast on the actual set and send in cameras to follow him, just how he likes. All he has to do is agree to not kill an entire population.
6. Costco
Putin might have his priorities all mixed up because his men are lacking the ability to buy a hundred pounds of beets at once for making large vats of borscht. We’d be jealous of Ukraine’s ability to get Costco products, too – we understand. But together we can solve this without Putin going apeshit on his neighbors. Putin wants a Costco? Heck, we’ll give him ten per city.
7. Thunder Mountain
Tell you what. Does Putin like the Carpathian mountains in the west and the Crimean Mountains in the south? How about leaving those regions alone and taking Disney World’s Thunder Mountain instead? We’ll arrange to have the entire ride relocated to Moscow as long as he plays nice and deactivates all bombs. If he says yes right away, we might even throw in Splash Mountain and close the deal over homemade borscht. See? We’re willing to make concessions. So Putin should stop this tyranny at once.
8. Relics of Dead U.S. Presidents
Putin can physically have Mount Rushmore too.
9. Jason Momoa’s Lush Beard
Come on, you know Putin wants it, and we can arrange for him to take it as long as he moves past his whole “I’m a macho warlord” phase. He can look like a warlord so long as he doesn’t act like one. Plus, the beard will catch a whole lot of beets and potatoes so he can eat borscht without running his fabulous suits. Deal?
10. An NFT of the World
Look, we can’t force Putin to stop wanting to own the whole world, but we can offer him the world as long as it’s in NFT form. He wants Banksy? Damien Hirst? All he has to do is say “Da” to art and “Nyet” to waving his sword at Ukraine like it’s an extension of his manhood and we’ll make it happen over a treaty signing with a side of sweet, juicy borscht.
