Somewhere in the bowels of Santa Monica…
Namaste, friends, and welcome to Cafe Candida! I’m so glad that you qualified to visit our secret brick-and-mortar location by purchasing this month’s special, our .001 oz bottle of Florgasm organic oil, for only $38,000. Most people think we’re just a ghost kitchen. At least that’s what we tell those pesky activists who want us to work from Compton (can you imagine?). But you lucky lady visitors from the Midwest know the real truth.
Here, have a hibiscus-infused Rocky Mountain oyster dipped in celery oil. Delicious, right?! You can just feel your ovaries thanking you for that! Now let’s go inside. Be careful not to trip on the billowing, creamsicle-colored fabric draped around the diamond-shaped door. Georgia O’Keeffe vibes, ladies!
Okay, so the hallway here is pretty long, dark, and narrow. It’s our waiting room for tables. Don’t mind the scruffy older guy trying to squeeze his big frame into that tight space while calling out for Gwyneth in Olde English. Ben has a hard time remembering that Shakespeare in Love was just fiction and that it was ages ago. He’ll be fine once he has another glass of our super kombucha turmeric adaptogenic elixir. And if you happen to see that handsome devil Brad, not G.P.’s current mate, but THE Brad, just ignore him, as hard as that may be. He’s in a dark phase and acting out the gluttony scenes from Se7en while missing Gwyn.
Okay, so here we are now in the dining room. What’s that, you say? It glows? We’ve taken all of the GOOPGLOW skincare products and applied them to the ceiling. Even if they drip on the tables, the beauty is (get it?), it doesn’t matter! They’re all edible and free of hydrocarbons and other nasty chemicals. And our best-selling hyaluronic acid scrub (only $199.95) coats the walls, so after your meal, you can rub up against them and exfoliate! How great is that?!
What’s that scent, you ask? It’s our This Smells Like My Vagina candle, of course! We thought it would be too nouveau riche to use the This Smells Like My Prenup candle, you know? What better way to create a cocoon-like atmosphere of self-love for our diners! We know there was an unfortunate incident involving a fire recently, but we’ve evolved since then. Haven’t you? This month’s theme is female empowerment, so our best-selling $555.66 vibrator necklace is laid out gratis at each table, along with complimentary yoni eggs. What’s a yoni egg, you ask? Honey, if you haven’t used that little energy healer to access your stored vaginal trauma, maybe you need some reishi hot chocolate to set you on your ayurvedic path.
Oh, you want to know about the food? Yes, well, your server will get to all of that once you’re seated on your compostable $395.72 seat cushions made by fair-trade eight-year-olds in Malaysia. Just know this: every item on our very limited menu contains probiotics, grape-seed proanthocyanidins, sea buckthorn, aquafaba, coconut aminos, and other natural herbs produced in the GoopLab. And that’s not just a bunch of snake oil we’re trying to sell you to cure COVID; it’s real pseudoscience! Oh, and each table comes with a packet of Madame Ovary, our must-have supplement that you discerning Hoosiers won’t be able to resist for only $99.99!
And in an effort to be as inclusively diverse as possible, we now accept food stamps; well, at least to cover part of the meal because most of our menu wouldn’t fit into the average monthly SNAP allotment. After all, this isn’t Planet Hollywood!
This brings us to the end of our tour. Now we’ll have to consciously uncouple and send you back to the dining room for your life-changing repast. Oh, I’ll so miss your mainstream energy! Oh, the round, flesh-colored padded door that resembles a cervix? That’s a special room. Not part of the regular tour. What’s in there? Oh, goodness, here they come! Chris and Dakota, you know you kids aren’t supposed to be in there during business hours!! No matter how red that room is!
Oh, you were just playing with the celestial Ouija board, on sale for $1,995, and brushing up on your candida facts? Our website truly is a treasure trove of information! But again, in the spirit of inclusivity, we embrace that pesky fungus and even celebrate it! It is, after all, all-natural. No scientific studies have ever confirmed that too many carbs or processed foods cause it, but we’ll continue to tout that!
Ladies, come along now! I’ve got to get you back to the dining room, or you’ll lose your reservation to the latest Clubhouse influencer! Chop, chop!
