The top toys of 2018 were all about unicorn poop! A magical unicorn making dookie fun through multi-colored doo doo slime is the beginning of a new era. It is true that unicorns defecate just like kids, so letting them play with it is super educational and exciting too!
Think slimy shit is awesome because it’s decorated in rainbow colors? Cool, because toy manufacturers everywhere have been inspired by this whimsical toy and are taking this to a whole new glorious bodily fluid-filled level! Here are just a few of the toys making their debut in 2019:
Hocking Loogie Wowza Dragon Delight
Your little tyke might think spitting is a blast now, but wait until he sees what can happen when he reaches deep in his throat and hocks up something like this fire-breathing beast can! This glimmering plush creature has powers you would never imagine by looking in those innocent marble wide eyes. Internally filled with glow-in-the-dark green mud and powered by a shiny eject button, your toddler can learn now how to clear out congestion while also alienating every other person within a fifty-yard radius. Help him learn how to expel and repel all at once with phosphorescent strawberry-scented phlegm! Comes with an adorable clip-on hand sanitizer and pocket tissues for all your germ-spreading concerns! Refills available for purchase at a bargain $4.83 per container!
Magical Pukus Whoopsie Hangover Fairy
These enchanting fluttering sprites had too much amusement last night! And now you and your child can enjoy their glitter-filled vomit as it projects all over the place, magically never making it into the toilet! Think your child is too young to learn about what happens at those big-kid parties, or when she eventually decides to break into your locked secret cabinet in the kitchen? Well, guess again! Fairies barf just like humans and now you can make your own pixie upchuck using our Pukus Wookus Add-On Supply Pack Series 18 containing four glitter packets, four bags of red chunks, and four food packs (vomit) for only $32.99.
Sugary Sweet Zits-a-Woo Orthrus
Here’s your chance to teach your kid about proper face care before his actual face begins to raise up like the Alps, and the two heads of this mythical doggie will give you twice the opportunity! The ricotta cheese-like filled sacs are not edible – it’s just coagulated Elmer’s glue and actual gold specks – and refills are available for only $867.32 per squeezable packet! Zits are a right of passage and your child can feel in total control by making his own clogged pores on the soft cheeks of this impetuous dual-headed pup. With a little glue and a little gold, you can shape and mold your own unique popping pimples! Each character comes with its own mini bottles of oil and exfoliating facial wipes in a convenient carrying case made of taffy!
Pegasus Sprinkled in Fairy Dust and Real-Life Ulcerating Pustules
In the interest of diversity and inclusion, we cannot forget those unfortunate individuals who have poor blood circulation or don’t get to move around much. Skin ulcers are real, and now you can make your own diamond-filled wonders while also gaining a little empathy for Grandma! Each sore patch has a pocket filled with real diamonds and can be attached anywhere on this winged stallion. Just add water and one of the included powder packets of red sugar (blood), green confectionery sprinkles (infection), or lemon-flavored icing (pus). The diamonds and candy make this otherwise disgusting horror a kid-friendly, fun and magical adventure! A mini tube of Neosporin and moist towelettes included. Replacements are only $2,625! Diamonds are irreplaceable.
Luminous Immortal Phoenix Bukkake Fun
To be honest, this one may not be so appropriate for children.
Magical unicorn poop was just the beginning, folks! Your children can now experience the thrill of all kinds of body excretion with these new, exciting, adorable and whimsical new toys debuting in 2019! Get yours today!