The Fourth of July is here again! We know that you’ll be spending the day with friends and family, throwing back a few cold ones by the pool, grilling out and listening to some excellent patriotic tunes as you pump yourself up for the evening’s fireworks.
But there are always ways to enhance your Independence Day experience, so we’ve put together 25 of our best tips for having the greatest Fourth of July of all time:
1. Wave an American flag and have fun with your friends!
2. Bald eagles look great, but they taste even better!
3. Pretending a hot dog is your penis is always appropriate and always encouraged.
4. Celebrate with all your favorite people, like Microsoft, McDonald’s and General Motors.
5. Feel free to fire guns in the air. People will just think they’re fireworks.
6. For a rousing good time, toast marshmallows over a burning effigy of British Quartermaster General William Dalrymple.
7. The fuse on most fireworks is child-length. Cut it in half before lighting to make it adult-sized.
8. Watch your weight at your cookout by cutting calories where you can. Make a leaner potato salad by leaving the mayo outside the day before and letting the sun cook off the extra fat!
9. Hire a birthday clown, then round up your local militia and hunt him for sport.
10. Fashion tips – Ladies: Be sure to wear your cutest Daisy Duke cut-off jean shorts and halter top. Fellas: Be sure to wear your cutest Daisy Duke cut-off jean shorts and halter top.
11. Curb skin cancer by lustily applying sunscreen to every person you see.
12. No fireworks sold in your state? That’s okay! Just buy some bullets (available in all states) and throw them in a fire!
13. Cheese and firecrackers are not as delicious a combination as they sound.
14. Tar and feather your local taxman or tea merchant.
15. When found in an awkward situation, just emulate Patrick Henry and give a rousing oratory.
16. Eat through the full, drink through the drunk.
17. Do not place the potato salad and macaroni salad next to each other on the table; the blood feud between them is too great.
18. Running low on lighter fluid for that grill? You likely have a ready source of accelerant as close as the nearest car. Siphon gas from your car’s tank and be a BBQ hero!
19. Can’t siphon gas from your car’s tank? Throw the burgers on the hood of the car and drop a match into the gas tank.
20. Beat the heat with a healthy glaze of butter on your face and arms.
21. Yes, it will be funny to shoot a bottle rocket out of your friend’s buttcrack. No, don’t ask them if you can do it first.
22. You can’t ride a giant bottle rocket into the sky like Major Kong in Dr. Strangelove and then parachute to safety when it explodes. We’ve asked scientists and done studies. To our dismay, it just isn’t feasible.
23. Slip some hand grenades into the local firework stands as cool prizes.
24. Celebrate the guerrilla warfare that won America its freedom by hiding in the woods and shooting fireworks at neighbors and passing cars.
25. Remember to save some party energy for your July Fifth Celebration of the Auld Alliance of 1295, the famous agreement between Scotland and France against the hated English.