White House Pardons Leatherface in Annual Halloween Ceremony
Oct31

White House Pardons Leatherface in Annual Halloween Ceremony

WASHINGTON – Continuing the time-honored seasonal tradition, President Obama issued his eighth Halloween pardon today, selecting serial murderer and cannibal Leatherface for the honor. “Halloween is a day where we celebrate the macabre, the vile, the repugnant – and they don’t get more repugnant than this big guy,” Obama said, before adding, “I mean look at this!” pointing to a viscous, black fluid oozing from Leatherface’s...

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Mother Jones Haunted House Just 90 Minutes of Getting Catcalled
Oct28

Mother Jones Haunted House Just 90 Minutes of Getting Catcalled

SAN FRANCISCO – As Halloween draws near, the progressive news outlet Mother Jones has unveiled a haunted house unlike any other. “It’s scary because it’s real,” said Shannon McCarthy, a 32-year-old mother of two. “You walk through this makeshift construction site and these guys just catcall you but you can’t leave. It’s really unsettling.” This continues the long tradition of...

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Grown Adult Manager Scariest Thing in Halloween Store
Oct25

Grown Adult Manager Scariest Thing in Halloween Store

SANTA FE – Amid the ghoulish lawn ornaments and detailed, grotesque masks lining the walls, customers shopping the local Spirit Halloween store were in for an especially horrific show Tuesday, as the manager of the store, a grown adult, emerged from behind a curtain of the makeshift store inside an abandoned Kohl’s to scare everyone. “How did he get here?” visibly shaken customer Erika Gonzalez said....

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Haunted By Monster Week
Nov03

Haunted By Monster Week

You breathe a sigh of relief as you realize the horrors of Monster Week are behind you. But as you walk away from the gruesome carnage and comedy, you know that what you’ve seen will haunt you for the rest of your days. From hearing about the oldest man in the world to learning the terrifying truth about the “Monster Mash,” you can feel in your heart that you’ll never be the same again. As the full weight of...

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Is Franken Berry Gay?
Nov03

Is Franken Berry Gay?

Another Halloween has come and gone. And as it has left us, so too has the opportunity to indulge in General Mills’ various Monster Cereals, a delicious yearly treat that will also wreak havoc on your digestive system. This year was different, though, in that there were new box designs released with the help of DC Entertainment. But this year was also different in that my eyes were opened to Franken Berry’s life and...

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