My New Leaf Blower Is the Shit
Nov02

My New Leaf Blower Is the Shit

You see these leaves right here? Boom. Now they’re over there. How did I do it, you’re saying. Am I a magician? No. But I did get a new leaf blower, and it’s the shit. I used to hate fall. Now, fall is the shit. Every day I wake up at five a.m. and blow leaves. I strut up and down my lawn waving that sucker like it’s a big air penis and they’re just some dumb little leaves. “You’re not even alive,” I tell the leaves. “Corpses of your...

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7 Fall Outfits to Make You Forget Bikini Season Ever Existed
Oct03

7 Fall Outfits to Make You Forget Bikini Season Ever Existed

1. Your Dad’s Overstretched College Sweater Search the bottom of that box in the garage for your father’s old college sweater. Once you get past the “is that ketchup or a blood stain?” moment, that knit piece of memorabilia will cover up any shame you felt trying to fit into those cheek-less blue bottoms at the lake on Memorial Day. 2. A Leaf Pile Forget the fact you just spent three months basking in the sun and lather yourself...

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Nation Expected American Demise to Be More Exciting
Feb08

Nation Expected American Demise to Be More Exciting

WASHINGTON – As the Trump administration continues to promote isolationism, and the Republican-held Congress works to remove consumer and environmental protections, the American people expressed astonishment at just how boring the fall of America has been. “I thought there’d be robots or aliens, or at least huge explosions. I never expected it to be an old man trying to use his cellphone,” said Ft. Worth, Texas resident...

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Deep Inside the Pumpkin Patch
Sep23

Deep Inside the Pumpkin Patch

  More jokes, at no extra...

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Family Relieved Dad Eating Dinner in Other Room To Watch ‘NCIS’
Sep23

Family Relieved Dad Eating Dinner in Other Room To Watch ‘NCIS’

ST. LOUIS – After months of tense family conversations around the dinner table, the Davidsons were happy to report Tuesday that patriarch Marc took his burger into the den to eat while watching CBS drama NCIS on Tuesday night. “We honestly didn’t know what would happen,” said wife Karen. “With Michael Weatherly leaving the show this year, we didn’t know if he’d still watch.” Once school was out last June, and the CBS...

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