Terrorists Decide Not to Risk It in Rio
Aug22

Terrorists Decide Not to Risk It in Rio

RIO DE JANEIRO – Citing potential health concerns, unpredictable crime and the overall unpleasant outlook of the city of Rio, the ISIS agent tasked with carrying out an attack on the 2016 Olympics decided to take a pass. “I want to further the caliphate’s cause and give my life to bring down the evils of Western society as much as the next terrorist,” said the agent who requested that his identity not be revealed. “But I just...

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United States Olympic Committee Begs Remaining Athletes Not to Fuck Up
Aug20

United States Olympic Committee Begs Remaining Athletes Not to Fuck Up

RIO DE JANEIRO – After Rio police deemed swimmer Ryan Lochte’s and three of his teammates’ claim of being robbed at gunpoint as false, the United States Olympic Committee has issued a statement begging all remaining athletes not to fuck up. “Our main goal now is getting through the remainder of the games without any more fuck-ups, screw-ups or mishaps that could anger an entire country,” said USOC CEO Scott Blackmun. “We do not...

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After Rash of Severe Injuries in Rio, IOC Lifts Ban on Titanium Skeletons
Aug18

After Rash of Severe Injuries in Rio, IOC Lifts Ban on Titanium Skeletons

RIO DE JANEIRO – The intense Olympic competition has taken its toll on a number of athletes this year in Rio. Gymnast Samir Ait Said suffered a horrible broken leg, cyclist Annemiek van Vleuten endured three fractured vertebrae and a concussion, and gymnast Elissa Downie was wheeled away after a severe neck injury. After weightlifter Andranik Karapetyan dislocated his elbow, members of the International Olympic Committee decided...

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NBC Mistakenly Shows Olympic Event Between Commercials
Aug18

NBC Mistakenly Shows Olympic Event Between Commercials

RIO DE JANEIRO – In a move that shocked North American viewers, NBC interrupted a tremendous stream of commercial advertising Tuesday night to show a preliminary round of the women’s 100-meter hurdles. Everything was going smoothly: Carrie Underwood had just belted out the same insufferable “Ooohhhh, Sunday night!” that Olympic fans had seen several hundred times to that point. Next was Blake Shelton telling...

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Olympic Swimmer Dominates Competition After Falling in Rio Sewage, Growing Six Arms
Aug16
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