Statements From Sean Spicer’s First Weekend as My Personal Press Secretary
Jul26

Statements From Sean Spicer’s First Weekend as My Personal Press Secretary

I didn’t plan on hiring a personal press secretary, but when opportunity knocks, you take it. Opportunity knocked into me particularly hard on Friday, when Sean Spicer hit me in a Dunkin’ Donuts parking lot. He volunteered to serve as my personal press secretary for a while if I promised to keep the collision quiet. After all, he’s in between jobs, and apparently, it’s pretty expensive to insure a motorized...

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An Earth Day Message From the Tampa Bay Rays Public Address Announcer
Apr13

An Earth Day Message From the Tampa Bay Rays Public Address Announcer

Gooooooooood afteroooooon, Tropicana Field! Got plans for Earth Day? Join us back here on April 22 for our special Earth Day fan celebration! Come see your hometown Taaaaaampa Baaaaay Raaaaaays as we try to distract ourselves from the inevitable destruction of Earth as we know it. Watch your Rays take on the Houston Astros, but don’t leave after the sixth inning like usual! Stay for the post-game fireworks show, a prescient preview of...

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An Efficiency Expert’s Official Recommendations for Shortening MLB Games
Apr07

An Efficiency Expert’s Official Recommendations for Shortening MLB Games

Major League Baseball must make their games faster. The average game now lasts three hours, which deters fans and interferes with participation in the new American pastime: perpetual fear. This report aims to curb the bloat of MLB games, while still retaining all the action and excitement that makes baseball a game that overweight white guys can still play well into middle age. Although not all of these recommendations will be home...

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Meet the Third-Party Scents That Demand to Be Included in Your Fall Candle Rotation
Sep19

Meet the Third-Party Scents That Demand to Be Included in Your Fall Candle Rotation

You don’t need a calendar to know what season it is when the leaves turn red, the air turns crisp, and your Facebook turns into a debate stage for pumpkin spice. Bolstered by its rich white fans, this orange sensation has loudly toppled apple pie, the smell as American as baseball and imperialism, as the dominant seasonal choice in the scented candle aisle. Sick of the chaos, a growing number of Americans are seeking alternatives to...

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6 Ways to Pretend You Still Care About the Olympics
Aug16

6 Ways to Pretend You Still Care About the Olympics

You marched around your living room during the Parade of Nations, you cried along with Ryan Held, but after days of nonstop coverage, the fatigue is setting in. You’re having a hard time maintaining enthusiasm, but there’s still so much left! Golf! Sailing! Equestrian! Sure, a week is a long time to feign excitement about tiny men riding horses, but if the horses can do it, so can you! Use this handy guide to help you keep...

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