WASHINGTON – The Trump administration plans to announce a new strategy for defeating ISIS in the coming days, White House sources say. For several months, Chinese labor factories have churned out an elite team of G.I. Joes that can be deployed within the next two weeks.
The vinyl-frame soldiers measure one-foot tall, making them nearly invisible to the naked eye. The elite fighting force also comes with mini ATVs for the soldiers to relentlessly search and destroy the smaller and less mobile ISIS fighters.
At a meeting last week, President Trump displayed prototypes featuring limbs that flex beyond the range of a typical solider. All PVC-molded troops in the unit can keep their eyelids open indefinitely and can completely rotate their heads, giving them a 360-degree view of the battlefield for ISIS hostiles affixed to the landscape. They are also devoid of blood and nerves, rendering any gunshot or shrapnel wound instantly treatable by ripping off the afflicted limb or appendage.
A source who attended the meeting says the president’s military instincts impressed everyone in the room. “The president maneuvered expertly around the Situation Room, firing plastic rockets at General Kelly while deftly ducking Kelly’s logistical questions.”
The feature that received the strongest reception was the soldiers’ ability to look especially cool with little removable sunglasses that their human commanders can place in their pockets as they escort the soldiers on their missions, which the president modeled before packing up the prototypes and returning to the Oval Office to continue testing.
Retired four-star Army General Lawrence Armstrong says the strategy could revolutionize U.S. combat operations in the War on Terrorism. “If we can harness the power of G.I. Joes to defeat ISIS, then it’s only a matter of time before we can recruit every Last Jedi soldier from Target, WalMart, and Toys ‘R’ Us to finally eradicate al-Qaeda.”
Intelligence reports indicate that ISIS and other organizations may already be aware of the plot and have amassed an army of child soldiers to engage the G.I. Joes.