1. Do you have thick, green orificial discharge?
2. Are you experiencing projectile vomiting?
3. Do you have body aches, e.g., does your neck hurt like it’s been twisted into an unnatural position?
4. Do you have diarrhea?
5. Are you experiencing episodes of levitation?
6. Is your skin pale?
7. Do you have a fever?
8. Do you have dark rings around your eyes?
9. Have you experienced episodes of exhibitionism, e.g., public masturbation?
10. Did the illness first manifest as your imaginary friend Captain Howdy?
11. Do you have a raspy, distorted voice?
12. Do you have foul, malodorous breath?
13. Have you developed an aversion to sacred objects, e.g., crucifix, holy water?
14. Is the illness unresponsive to antibiotics and the command, “Out, unclean spirit! OUT!”?
If you answered “yes” to 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 7, 8, 11, 12, 14 then you have the flu.
If you answered “yes” to 5, 9, 10, 13, 14 then you are possessed by Pazuzu, Demon King of the Winds.
If you answered “yes” to ALL OF THE ABOVE then you are possessed by Pazuzu AND you have the flu. Oh, man! You probably got it from Pazuzu. Demons are notorious germ-carriers. Luckily, the treatment is the same for both maladies: confinement to bed, plenty of fluids (sacred and otherwise), and a constant, urgent appeal to God to save your soul.
And remember, prevention is preferable to cure. Eat fruits and vegetables, get plenty of rest, go to mass, drink water, and don’t play with the Ouija board. Playing with the Ouija board is like licking a hand railing on the subway. You’re just asking for trouble.
*This quiz is not a substitution for professional medical or spiritual advice. If you think you may have a medical or spiritual emergency, call your doctor or parish priest immediately.