Donald Trump Has More Mental Stability in His Pinky Toe Than Any of You Sicko Libs Have in Your Entire Bodies
Jan15

Donald Trump Has More Mental Stability in His Pinky Toe Than Any of You Sicko Libs Have in Your Entire Bodies

The Fake News Mainstream Media wants you to believe that our fearless leader is losing his mental stability. We the American people must stand up to the spreading of this fake news just as we have stood for our tremendous National Anthem. I, for one, will fight against any and all bullying that I see these Demon-crats commit against our Commander-in-Chief. I can not, and will not, tolerate any more Fake News. Listen up libs, Donald J....

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President Oprah’s First 100 Days
Jan15

President Oprah’s First 100 Days

Day 1: Stedman will not be the First Gentleman; Gayle will be the First Lady. Day 2: No more Bibles in court, now you swear to tell the truth on a copy of The Secret. Day 3: Everyone gets a vacation to AUSTRALIAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! Day 17: Once we all get back from Australia, immigration reform. Day 28: Everyone in America loses 50 pounds. Day 29: Muslim ban lifted. Day 30: Everyone in America gains back the 50 pounds and an additional 10....

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A Cease and Desist Letter From Scrappy Doo
Jan12

A Cease and Desist Letter From Scrappy Doo

Dear Twitter, Fan Fiction, and the Internet: This CEASE AND DESIST ORDER is to inform you that your actions including but not limited to tweets, retweets, quoted tweets and other social media behavior about my demise in Miami have become unbearable. You may recall I visited Miami during the Shiver and Shake, That Demon’s a Snake case; however, I did not die there. After 10+ years of having to deal with this nonsense, I am demanding...

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Things to Do With Things You’re Not Doing Anything With
Jan10

Things to Do With Things You’re Not Doing Anything With

Air Mattress Pump: Toss into a nearby occupied room and roleplay a biological terror attack. Ashtray (But You Quit Smoking): Scooby Doo-style secret passage? Turn for adventure. Bachelor of Fine Arts: I wish I could help you with that one. Comb: Ladybug crucifixion hill. *for pre-teen psychopaths only Dreamcatcher: Mail it to the White House. They need all the help they can get. Expired Condom: Sneeze guard. 99% effective. Floss: An...

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I Really Wish I Hadn’t Silently Hawked Up a Loogie Right Before You Went in for a Kiss
Jan09

I Really Wish I Hadn’t Silently Hawked Up a Loogie Right Before You Went in for a Kiss

I tried Mucinex, but could still feel slime inching its way down the back of my throat in a way that calls to mind the drippy descent of Nickelodeon Gak down a wall. I could wallpaper George Clooney’s ego with the amount of balled-up unused tissues I’m carrying around in my whimsically fun (but SUPER functional) Betsey Johnson hobo bag, and I could wallpaper Trump’s with all the ones that have the corner rolled to a point to coax...

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