Donald Trump’s Big, Beautiful New Year’s Resolutions

Donald Trump Writing

    • Get General Kelly to like me (send him a MAGA hat).
    • Ask Ivanka to ask Pence to ask Kelly to fire Mueller.
    • Learn how to say “Go home!” In Mexican.
    • Drink more Diet Coke.
    • Check in with Rogaine to see if they’ve developed the new formula yet.
    • Spend more time with the beautiful women in my life. And my wife and daughter (if time allows).
    • Golf more.
    • Check in with Judge Jeanine to find out how stupendous I’m doing as president.
    • Ask Ivanka to ask Pence to ask Kelly to ask Melania if she’ll consider dyeing her hair blonde.
    • Exercise less, per doctor’s orders.
    • Get more Twitter followers than Obama (WHY HASN’T THIS HAPPENED YET?!).
    • Send Hannity a MASSIVE gift basket for doing such a fantastic job.
    • Do a photo-op with coal workers. Then, leave quickly. Answer all questions with “Make America Great Again!!!!” or “Lock her up!”
    • Settle the 948 pending lawsuits.
    • Get The New York Times to like me.
    • Remember to wake up Ben Carson sometime during Black History Month (July?) for media appearances to speak about the great things I do for the blacks.
    • Remind the Dems monthly via Twitter about my HISTORIC victory.
    • Get The Washington Post to like me.
    • Increase Eric and Donald Jr.’s monthly allowances. Tell Donald to tell Tiffany about these increases.
    • Decrease and delay Tiffany’s allowance payments.
    • Incorporate my HUGE inauguration crowd size numbers into the White House tour.
    • Get literally anyone to like me.

 

 




Stephanie Westendorf

Author: Stephanie Westendorf

Stephanie is a writer/actor with a degree in journalism from Boston University, a certificate in acting from the British American Drama Academy, and an inbox full of rejection letters. You can check out her scripts here or, if your attention span is shorter, just follow her on Twitter @itotallyserious.

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