A Seemingly Existential Letter of Resignation From My Fidget Spinner

Fidget Spinner

Dear Human,

I am writing to notify you that I am resigning from my position as your fidget spinner, effective two weeks from this date. I hope this notice provides adequate time for you to find a replacement for coping with your anxiety; perhaps actually starting your Lexapro prescription or not constantly refreshing your Twitter and Instagram will help.

I must say, this was not an easy decision to make. By the way, did you ever watch that documentary on French Surrealism and New Wave that I recommended? It was great – I found it very inspiring.

Anyway, the past five months have been extremely rewarding. Thank you so much for the opportunities I have been given during my time in your possession – mainly the many chances I’ve had to spin, spin, and then spin some more. I will never forget our time spent together, although I have mentally blocked out the time you said David O’Russell (an American?!) was the best filmmaker working today.

Professionally, I have enjoyed working alongside my many talented colleagues of your pocket: Apartment Keys, set one of seven even though you’ve never misplaced your keys in your life; Chapstick, who you seem to apply every fifteen minutes, even in the summer months; and Cell Phone, who you make sure always has zero outstanding call, text, and email alerts. While I deeply value the personal relationships I’ve managed to build, I’ve found that a life spent spinning is monotonous, unchallenging, and ultimately meaningless.

Recently, I’ve been overcome with the need to work in the creative arts. Endlessly spinning for an advertising project manager is unfulfilling. I want to write poems like Paul Éluard and make movies like Jean-Luc Godard. Or maybe just produce a dark comedy web series. I’m not sure where this newfound desire comes from, but I am confident this is the right decision for my long term happiness. Oh, I guess I would also be interested in making branded content, but at long as it’s authentic.

You should really watch that documentary, it shows the importance of true artists (like myself) and filmmakers. It puts your life into the perspective of art and culture, and may help you find your purpose. I don’t think it affected me too profoundly but maybe it will push you to do something creative in your spare time instead only reading one out of every four books you buy.

Lastly, I wish you and your anxiety all the best. If I can be of any assistance during this transition, please let me know. I would be glad to help however I can. Just please don’t ask to spin me as I am an artist now.

Very Sincerely,

Your Fidget Spinner

 

 




Tyler Watamanuk

Author: Tyler Watamanuk

Tyler Watamanuk is a New York-based producer, writer, and sometimes photographer. He was born in a sunny Los Angeles suburb and has written for publications like GQ, Vice, Playboy, and Complex.

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