All the Simple, Believable Reasons Why I, Unfortunately, Can’t Make It to Your Experimental Play Tonight

Disappointed Woman

I ordered a sushi boat last night while I was drunk and I have to eat the leftovers tonight before they go bad.

I have no way of getting there – the train by my apartment is down for the weekend, I deleted Uber when the whole JFK/immigration debacle happened and my bike got stolen last year while I was on a family vacation to Disney World.

I brought my laundry to the laundromat yesterday and they just announced that they are going out of business tomorrow, so it’s crucial I go back to get my wash and fold before they close, not to mention I’d like to say my goodbyes to the owners. They really are sweet people.

My “celiac” roommate just texted me that she accidentally ate a piece of pizza and needs to go to the emergency room. I feel kind of obligated to go with her since she watched my cat while I was out of town last week.

I don’t feel like I’d be able to fully experience the depth and beauty of the show because I broke my glasses trying to fold down the seats of a Chrysler Town & Country minivan rental during a work trip and haven’t yet gotten the reimbursement money from my company to get them fixed.

Plays remind me of middle school and in middle school I was pushed into a locker by my ex-best friend’s new best friend. To be honest, I’m not totally over it. I don’t think my therapist would prescribe exposure therapy for this trigger.

I haven’t been keeping up with the the Kardashians as klosely as I should and this is my one night to kuddle up and katch up.

I saw my ex on Tinder and swiped right but she must have swiped left because we weren’t a match, which of course I already knew, so now I have to spend my night downloading all the other dating apps and roaming her neighborhood for another chance to match her. The plan is to swipe left this time so she knows that I also have no interest in getting back together. Because I don’t. I don’t. Hey, are you free to grab a drink this week? I have so much I have to talk through.

There was this dude eating yogurt on the train next to me this morning and to be honest I’m still pretty disturbed from it.

I’m writing my own experimental play about the yogurt train situation and I feel like I should get home to get these ideas on paper ASAP.

I had a fortune cookie a while back that said, verbatim, not to come.

I probably wouldn’t like it.



Jessica Salamone

Author: Jessica Salamone

Jess Salamone recently spent a morning writing in a coffee shop and found $10 on the floor. This technically qualifies Jess to call herself a paid writer. She lives in New York City with her best friend Naia, a cat who she found on the street. She spends a lot of time drafting tweets and even posts some of them. Follow her (please) @Blessed2BJessed.

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