The Top 9 Avoidable National Tragedies, Had Every Civilian Been Carrying a Gun

Hidden gun

1. Abraham Lincoln’s Assassination

Theatergoer 1: John Wilkes Booth is making his way toward the president’s box with the intent to yell something in Latin!

Theatergoer 2: Not on my watch.

 

2. Wall Street Crash of 1929

Stockbroker 1: My gun brings me such unbridled confidence, I believe I’ll invest another hundred thousand in the market.

Stockbroker 2: Let’s all funnel more money into the already-stable American stock market.

All of America: *Triumphantly fires guns into the sky*

 

3. The JFK Assassination 

Dallas Civilian 1: There’s a nefarious character situated on that grassy knoll.

Dallas Civilian 2: Already got him in my sights.

Civilian 1: And is that an unhinged former U.S. Marine aiming at the president’s motorcade from the sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository?

Civilian 2: I’ve shot everyone within a 20-foot radius of a book.

JFK: I live!

 

4. The Series Finale of Seinfeld

Writer 1: Maybe we ought to table this courtroom trial concept and visit the shooting range to clear our heads.

Writer 2: I agree, firing guns helps us decompress, reach higher planes of thought, and will no doubt help generate a fresher conclusion befitting this timeless series.

 

5. More Than Two Centuries of Societal Racism

White Person: Is that a Mark XIX Desert Eagle in .50 Action Express with a Picatinny rail?

Minority: Sure is.

White Person: I have that exact same gun! Would you consider dating my daughter?

 

6. Institutional Oppression of Women

Hiring Manager: I don’t see why you shouldn’t be earning the same salary as your male counterpart. Evaluating performance based on sex is as baseless as discriminating against a cast lead .40 caliber bullet simply because it isn’t a monolithic solid.

Female Employee: Thank you, guns!

 

7. The Disappearance of the Middle Class

Middle Class Civilian 1: I’m here!

Middle Class Civilian 2: Me too, not fading into gradual decay.

Middle Class Civilian 3: It’s the deafening resurgence of the American gun owner that keeps us relevant.

 

8. 2016 U.S. Presidential Election

Voter 1: I’m not angry at all. I think I’ll vote sensibly.

Voter 2: I agree. Good thing we have guns to keep us level-headed and open-minded.

 

9. Harvey Weinstein Defiles Hollywood

Harvey Weinstein: Touch my penis.

Starlet: *Aims gun at Harvey Weinstein’s penis*

Weinstein: I see now the folly of this crude advance. I shall leave Hollywood tonight.

 

 




David Henne

Author: David Henne

David Henne is a long-time contributor to McSweeney's and Splitsider. He lives and works in Long Island, New York. He's the one in the green jacket.

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