The Seven Neighbors Mister Rogers Never Imagined

Mister Rogers

Sonny Gardener: A competitive landscaper who thinks nothing of running the electric hedge trimmer at dawn on a Sunday to carve his shrubs into presidential head topiaries. He is also known to sever his foliage down to the root after listening to the latest alternative facts on Fox News.

Sam Peterson: His property is the place where rusty carcasses of old cars and moldy freezers go to die in grass that hasn’t seen a mower since George H.W. was in office. No one complains though, since he’s fully prepared for Kim Jong-un’s retaliation with the only underground bunker on the block.

Mrs. Kuznetsov: The local cat hoarder who speaks to her feline friends in Russian and spends half of her Walmart retirement fund on Fancy Feast. Mr. Peterson is still convinced she hacked the polls at the local VFW Hall during the 2016 presidential election.

The Middleton Family: Workaholic parents who are blissfully unaware that their twelve-year-old sociopathic twins sling homemade potato bombs at their Muslim neighbor’s fence and terrorize the family Weimaraner with Mom’s creme brûlée torch.

Bo Jenkins: The high school dropout who repairs cars in his garage at all hours while listening to Ted Nugent on the radio. Owner of a Chevy truck with “Make America Great Again” stickers on the bumper and rubber testicles hanging below the license plate. His bride-to-be is still recovering from a nasty staph infection after receiving a BOGO sale on breast implants.

Nan Smith: Peeking over neighborhood fences is amateur’s work for Nan. She prefers her state-of-the-art, portable listening device, which she carries during her morning walks around the block. She was recently accused by the Middletons of being an NSA leaker.

Vinny Scarabucci: A middle-aged divorced man who buys bargain booze by the case from the Liquor Depot and hosts boisterous, backyard pool parties for his conservative friends in local government. Numerous noise ordinance complaints have been filed against Mr. Scarabucci, to no avail. Proof that Republicans, swimming pools, and cheap whiskey do not mix.

 

 




Marcia Kester Doyle

Author: Marcia Kester Doyle

Marcia Kester Doyle is the author of the humor book, 'Who Stole My Spandex? Life In The Hot Flash Lane' and the voice behind the popular blog Menopausal Mother. Her work has been featured on numerous sites, including The Washington Post, Cosmopolitan, Good Housekeeping, Woman's Day, Country Living, House Beautiful, and Scary Mommy, among others.

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