Why I’m Glad My Birth Control Won’t Be Covered By Health Insurance

Happy Woman

1. The government shouldn’t have to be responsible for my mistakes. After all, women aren’t biologically programmed to enjoy recreational sex like men are!

2. Religion hasn’t played a big enough part in my sex life and I’m starting to feel super guilty about it. Leave room in the bed for Jesus!

3. I could use all the help I can get making sure my employer doesn’t think I’m a huge slut. You should’ve seen the dress I wore to the Christmas party!

4. TBH I was relying too heavily on it so that I could lead a sexually deviant lifestyle. Now I don’t have to worry about the temptation because casual sex will be too expensive!

5. I was really inspired by the Partridge Family and have been dreaming of making my own band of children. I wouldn’t want a blocked pregnancy to get in the way of bringing that dream to life!

6. Obama was way too chill and level-headed of a president and this is a great example of Trump holding everyone up to a higher standard. What an exemplary Christian!

7. I can finally focus on locking down a husband instead of furthering myself professionally. I was starting to feel a little too much like one of those TV career women!

8. I initially needed my birth control covered because I’m not super financially stable quite yet, but being forced to have a baby due to lack of consistent contraception would be just the thing to get my finances in order!

9. I live in a great apartment, have a wonderful group of friends, am very good at my job, and my hair has never looked better, but I really feel like my life is meaningless and I’ve done nothing of note thus far. I feel like a baby would really turn things around!

10. We as women are getting too many ideas in our heads about being autonomous individuals with the freedom to choose how to lead our lives and really shouldn’t have any control over our bodies because we’re just flighty balls of emotion who cry all the time and can’t be trusted to make rational decisions. We need a wakeup call. Thanks, Donny J!! You really have women’s best interests in mind!



Sarah duRivage-Jacobs

Author: Sarah duRivage-Jacobs

Sarah is a jumble of exposed nerves masquerading as a human woman in NYC.

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