You ever hear about a couple so perfect for each other, your heart can’t help but soar? Like that couple in Nevada who, together, would drive to a strange small town, lure a teenage boy back to their motel room, then drug and dismember him? That adorbs story hits right in the feels!
If you’re thinking, “I’d never have the courage to ask my man to murder with me,” you’re not alone. Many women feel nervous about asking a new beau to participate in a days-long meth-fueled multi-state murder extravaganza. Women fear that asking about murdering too soon or too bluntly will be a turn-off for their male partner, who traditionally takes the lead when it comes to joining up together to end a human life. For many women, this leads to years of a loving and stable, but ultimately unfulfilling, murder-less relationship.
But there’s no reason for you to be afraid! Here are some tips to make sure the only person trembling in fear is the unsupervised child you abduct from the playground:
Time it right.
We’re all aware of the “third date” rule for having sex with a new partner, but modern romance doesn’t have a clear-cut guideline for more controversial conversations, like politics, religion, or predilection for drinking the blood of the innocent.
“The unfortunate truth is, there is no ‘one size fits all’ time to bring up the topic of a homicide spree,” said relationship expert Anne Burns-Mackenzie, who is currently in the Allegheny County Correctional Facility serving seventeen life sentences for murder. “You want to wait until you’re comfortable enough with your man that you wouldn’t mind him seeing you unkempt and exhausted as you dump a body together in the dead of night.”
But waiting too long isn’t a good idea, either. “If you two have different goals in your relationship – for example, he wants to settle down and start a family right away, and you want a few more years of reckless murdering – you want to have that conversation sooner rather than later so you can part ways amicably.” Well said!
Think it through.
Big life transitions or emotional moments can cause one to pop the murder question spur of the moment. What woman hasn’t been caught up in the glitz and glamour of a friend’s own murder trial and decided she wants one for herself?
If you find yourself suddenly wanting to suggest renting a car using your aunt’s stolen passport and driving it across state lines to tell a young Idaho boy you’re friends of his parents, consider taking some time to think it through. If you still yearn for the feeling of godlike power after a week to mull it over, it’s probably for real.
You don’t have to propose dealing a lethal dose of cyanide to a stranger right away. See how your man would feel about something smaller, like eating raw animal flesh, or abusing a bunny. If he seems open to it, you can work up from there – and if not, it’s easier to dial back and save face.
Don’t take it personally if he says no.
Some men just aren’t ready to sneak into a hospital, pretend to be nurses, and smother an Alzheimer’s patient in his sleep. And that’s okay! Sure, it can sting when you date a man for two years without so much as a couples’ bank robbery, only to have him turn around and go on the murder spree of your dreams with the next woman he dates. But there’s a literal partner-in-crime out there for everyone! Just put good energy out into the universe, and you and the man of your dreams will be slicing jugular veins together in no time.
Hopefully these tips will calm your nerves about putting your cold, dead heart out on the line. And if all else fails, you can always go solo and drive a steak knife into your man’s lung while he sleeps. Happy murderin’!