What a Film Is, According to Me, Guy From Your Film Class

Guy in Film Class

You’re in my Film 103 class, but you’re a girl. And since you’re a girl, I can’t help but wonder: have you seen films? Also what do your boobs look like? Can I see your boobs.

My guess is that you’ve seen movies, but not films. My guess? Your favorite films are Mean Girls, Clueless, and Wonder Woman.

I hate to break it to you, but you’re mistaken. Those are not films. Those are movies. And there’s a difference, let me tell you. To me, a “movie” is something you watch for entertainment. Like a summer blockbuster, or an action movie; typically your run-of-the-mill stuff with no real cultural value, like Wonder Woman or Moonlight.

And films? Well, Christopher Nolan makes films.

“Christopher Nolan?” you’re undoubtedly thinking. “Sounds familiar, but I can’t recall a movie he’s made because I’m on my period,” you think even more.

Correction: Christopher Nolan makes films, not movies.

Christopher Nolan made Memento, which is an incredible film because it is told backwards. There isn’t really anything else interesting about it. It is beautiful, and it is a film – not a movie. I can’t remember if there are any boobs in it, so can I please see your boobs.

Christopher Nolan also made The Dark Knight. And although it is a superhero/action story, it is a film because William Fichtner is in it! The Dark Knight definitely does not have any boobs, but if I squint really hard the Joker’s eyes kind of look like nipples, so that’s good. Can I see your boobs now?

I fear this discussion of films that are not movies is boring you, because you’re a girl with boobs. But it would probably please you to discover that Christopher Nolan makes films, but that does not stop him from casting teenage heartthrobs including Leonardo DiCaprio (Inception), Joseph Gordon Levitt (Inception, The Dark Knight Rises), and Harry Styles (Dunkirk). You’ve probably masturbated to posters of these individuals, not even knowing that they’ve been in films.

I know this is overwhelming information. All your life, you thought you knew what films were! And since you’re obviously an innocent virgin, no one has ever asked to see your boobs or even told you that you have boobs before. It’s embarrassing. But I’m one of the good guys. I’m a nice guy, but I never get girls. So to put it into terms you can understand, I’d say that, yes, the words film and movie are interchangeable. But different contexts require different words sometimes. Like, beautiful and pretty. One is better than the other. Which one? Well, that’s a whole other discussion we can have another time…

Don’t be offended that this isn’t a love letter and/or that I’m not asking you out. Just to see your boobs. You’re just not my type, face-wise. My type? The Charlize Therons of the world, not the Shailene Woodleys. You see, Charlize Theron is beautiful. Now Shailene Woodley is pretty, don’t get me wrong. But beautiful=film, and pretty=movie. And wow – I would rather date a film than date a movie, and you can’t argue with me on that. Never gonna happen.

Also, random question: can I see your boobs?

 

 




Carrie Wittmer

Author: Carrie Wittmer

Carrie Wittmer is a comedy writer living in Brooklyn, NY. In her free time she likes to overdraft her bank account by buying things from Forever 21 that she never actually wears. Follow her on Twitter @carriesnotscary.

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