So while you were distracted by the president’s latest tweet, I hope you know your state attorney generals went and sold your Social Security numbers for Candy Crush points. And while you were distracted by the Student Loan Debtors’ Prisons™, the USDA added coal as a fifth food group. And while everyone was up in arms over the new $50 bills featuring a picture of Ted Nugent taking a dump on the AIDS quilt, I see none of you even bothered to mention North Korea testing its first weather machine. Do you realize that while you were all reposting those pictures of the world’s last polar bear dying in a concentration camp, they brought back segregated drinking fountains? And the water in them is constantly on fire?
You’re soooo heartbroken over the way they made Pluto a planet again only to laugh at it when they changed it back, but does anyone care at all about this bathroom bill where you can’t go to the bathroom unless you bring a gun? Not even in your own house! And I think everyone’s overreacting a bit about these supposed bacon chemtrails targeting Muslims and vegans. I mean, maybe the rumors are true – I’ll admit that the air smells unusually hickory-smoked these days. But am I the only one who’s noticed that all the cable news anchors have been replaced by cardboard cutouts of Larry the Cable Guy? Don’t be fooled just because they still have the word “cable” in there, people!
I don’t like that reality show where people compete for chemotherapy, either, but I’m simply going to change the channel when it comes on – I don’t need to sit around and write sanctimonious think pieces about it, not when I could be out on the streets protesting the proposed amendment saying women have to be at least a C cup to vote. And I agree it’s terrible how they replaced all the public school textbooks with VHS tapes of Everybody Loves Raymond, but right now I’m busy calling my congressman every day asking him to oppose this legislation requiring all U.S. citizens to have sex with Ayn Rand’s bones once a year. Let’s light up the switchboards, folks! Even if it passes, we can send a message that we see what they’re doing.
Listen, while you were freaking out about the werealligators that now roam the land for some reason, Kentucky made it illegal to have periods, and while you were distracted by the new Ten Commandments statue that blocks out the sun, they turned all the libraries into Taco Bowl Bells, which is what Taco Bell has to be called now, because while you were distracted by all the bees committing suicide, they passed that law that says tacos can only be in bowl form, and while you were distracted by Putin being carved into Mount Rushmore, they vaporized Canada and shot all the gay people into space, and sure, maybe that’s the wake-up call we need, but that doesn’t change the fact that while you were distracted by Chief Justice Ivanka’s confirmation, they actually made first contact with an alien life form and then immediately had ICE arrest it, so just know that while you’re wasting time on trivialities, this is how they win.