6 Ways Not to Say Anything While Testifying in Front of Congress

Jeff Sessions Testimony

So you’ve been asked to testify before Congress. You may know something, maybe not, but more than likely, under this administration, all you know are lies, and you don’t know if you should share those or not. However, there are ways of revealing unimportant details to the senators without perjuring yourself, or admitting any Russian influence.

Explain Your Entire Backstory

Before you can even think about revealing any detrimental secrets, the committee would probably love to have a complete history of where you come from. That way they understand what you say by how you say it. Say it in English, though, not Russian.

Read a Famous Novel Instead

First step: pause as if thinking. Step two: look down at notes like you are about to quote an important text. Step three: then just start reading a novel. Make a fake cover to put on the book so it isn’t obvious that you are reading War and Peace.

Use Emperor’s Authority

True, we are a democratic nation, without an emperor (who lives in this country), but this can still be used in desperate situations. Is it actually real? No. Will it stop you from having to answer? Maybe.

Play Your iPod on Full Volume

If you can’t hear the questions, how are you supposed to answer them? All they said was that you had to be present in the room. No one said you couldn’t bring in your jams. Just make sure to remove the Russian national anthem before hitting play.

Get Funky With It

You already have the tunes blasting – now it’s time for the moves. A Russian folk dance is the most accurate for the music you have, but try to push down the rhythm in your hips, because that dance may be a bit too much for this committee.

Build a Literal Stone Wall

This will give you something to do while you avoid questions, as well as symbolically showing the committee what you are about. You are not going to give up any secrets, not now, not ever. Well, unless you get a call from Russia saying it’s okay.



Kasadee Allan

Author: Kasadee Allan

Kasadee Allan is a Canadian comedy writer based in rural New Brunswick who has studied at Second City. Her work can be found on the BuzzFeed Community, Twitter, and in her journal, which is definitely NOT a diary. She has also never been accused of smiling too much. You can find her on Twitter @Just_Kas and on her website at kasadeeallan.com.

Share This Post On