BOSTON – At last, the search for the Fountain of Youth is over. In an article in the world-renowned scientific journal Nature, a team of Oxford researchers studying the mechanisms of aging reported that they had identified the first human being who will live indefinitely and that human being happens to be the basketball superstar LeBron James of the Cleveland Cavaliers. The report sent shockwaves through the scientific world and shivers down the spines of NBA general managers.
Despite recent advances in aging research, the scientific community was blindsided by the news.
“I predicted this moment would come, but I had no idea it would come this soon,” said Aubrey de Grey, a biomedical gerontologist and noted advocate of anti-aging research, as he stroked his Methuselah beard. “Though I have long been on the record that it is likely the first person who will live to be one thousand has already been born, the closest our group has come to achieving immortality is extending the lifespan of a mouse by four to five days. But hey, LeBron is LeBron.”
The news that LeBron had achieved longevity escape velocity, which is a term used in the life extension community to describe the (previously hypothetical) situation where an individual’s life expectancy is being extended by longer than the time that is passing, also hit the NBA world hard. An NBA general manager who spoke on the condition of anonymity remarked, “Does this mean he’s going to play until he’s 1,000 or something? Fuck. What are we supposed to do now?”
When reached for comment, Mr. James responded in his usual no-nonsense style.
“You know, I’m just taking it one day at a time. Getting in the gym with my guys. Grinding every day. Our only focus is bringing more ‘ships back to the Land,” James said at shootaround Wednesday. “Part of that, you know, is taking care of my body. And now that I’m officially immortal, that just makes me hungrier. MJ had six rings? Bill Russell had eleven? That’s cute. How does six hundred sound?”