The Top Five Presidential Haircuts of All Time

Martin Van Buren

Now that it’s March 2017, Americans wake up in the morning, gently pick the crust out of their eyes, pondering its origin, and trudge onwards in harmony with the ever-beating drum of reality. This reality being that Donald Trump has been sworn in as the President of the United States. Trump supporter or not, reality has struck with the might of a Nick Cannon Drumline solo.

In honor of our new president, and the Arabian sandstorm that sits on top of his head, it’s appropriate that the most preposterous and tasty presidential haircuts in history are laid out to relish. So here before you lays the definitive top-five ranking of the hairdos donned by our forefathers, engraved in history to inspire all future follicles of the United States.

5. James K. Polk

Portrait of James K Polk

First on the list is a haircut that traveled well on the campaign trail – James Knox Polk with The Coming of the First Lax Bro. It’s a shame that lacrosse helmets, which allow delightful mullets to flow out the rear, weren’t invented until a hundred years after his life, or President Polk would be higher on the list.

James Polk even donned the popped collar to create synergy with his hairstyle; it’s amazing he pulls both off so well and even more astonishing that his father wasn’t an attorney. President Polk tragically died three months after leaving office, interrupting his opportunity to traverse the ecstasy of the ponytail.

4. Thomas Jefferson

Thomas Jefferson

A ranking of presidential hairdos could not be considered prominent without including Thomas Jefferson and his famed cut, The Quiet Conqueror. Contrary to Polk, the understated nature of President Jefferson’s locks is the source of its influence.

Similar in appearance to a powdered wig, the order and consistency of President Jefferson’s cut allowed him to bring an ease and stability to the people of the United States. Just a tad lengthy and rebellious, echoing the newly formed nation, yet overshadowed by responsibility, President Jefferson allowed his hair to portray the leadership so desperately needed after the Revolutionary War.

3. William Henry Harrison

William Henry Harrison

William Henry Harrison feeds the momentum with his look, The Potential Serial Killer and/or Original Emo haircut. Harrison is one of the more forgotten presidents in the history of our great nation, and based on his hair, he would have wanted it that way. This haircut begs to be alone with its thoughts and lead in solitude.

President Harrison was an impressive general in the Army during the War of 1812, which surprised no one, because his widow’s peak is a certified weapon. Shocking that it didn’t win the war by itself.

2. Martin Van Buren

Martin Van Buren

Placing in a highly contested, and undeniably prestigious, second in the rankings is President Martin Van Buren with The I’m Not a Quitter look. When President Van Buren gazed deeply into his bathroom mirror and pondered his appearance, his innocent internal dialogue fluttered in either one of two directions:

1. The President was mortified with his bald head, so he grew out as much hair as he could anywhere else. A Band-Aid solution to some, an ingenious creative masterpiece, conceived without the luxury of Rogaine, to others.

2. The other possibility is that he thought his look helped him appear much smarter than he actually was. A wishful, yet effective, outlook from the leader of the free world.

Whichever way President Van Buren justified his facial folly, it is this passion for problem solving that vaulted him to the role of commander in chief.

1. John F. Kennedy

The greatest Presidential hair in history is a patch of scalp splendor that has touched the soul of each and every American and will echo on into eternity. This haircut needs no introduction, explanation, or justification. John Fitzgerald Kennedy with The JFK is the greatest presidential hair of all time.

Honorable Mention: William Howard Taft

A leader that can’t be ignored in the midst of a passionate presidential hairstyle ranking, William Howard Taft misses the cut on a technicality – it is his facial hair that inspired a nation. The whiskers on President Taft’s face are dubbed The Look At My Succulent Mustache So It Takes Your Focus Away From How Fat I Am.

Similar to President Van Buren’s approach, this is a respectable thought process from President Taft; it’s the pre-evolved form of husky men nowadays wearing vests in the crisp fall months to cover their extra-curricular. With a mustache that is reputable and functional, William Taft utilized his cunning gift of deception in the White House, about eighty years before President Clinton failed at doing so.

 

 




Ryan O'Donoghue

Author: Ryan O'Donoghue

Ryan O’Donoghue is a comedy writer who distracts his readers with useless commentary about aimless things. You can follow him on Twitter @_Ryan_OD.

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