9 Acceptable School Science Fair Projects as Approved by the Trump Administration

Science Fair Girl

McKinley Elementary’s Spring Science Fair is just around the corner! When preparing your projects, be aware that there have been changes in the annual event due to an executive order by President Trump. This year, the public will not be allowed access to the gymnasium to view the projects until the Betsy DeVos-approved judging staff has vetted all the little scientists’ results.

In order to maximize your chances of not being disqualified, please select from the following updated list of acceptable projects for 2017 that were provided to us by the administration:

Create Your Own Volcano

This is often a cluttered field with up to 16 other volcanoes in the contest, and it’s important to stand out and get everyone’s attention. Facts won’t do that, so this year the largest eruption wins! The bigger the better. Don’t worry about cleaning up the mess, that’s what janitors are for.

Build a Sun Runner

Have the judges race a remote-controlled gas-powered* turbo racer around the gymnasium (fun!), then invite them outside. Wait 15 minutes while the heavy solar panels on your balsa wood race car charge. After it’s powered up, watch it slowly roll ten feet! Talk about how solar energy isn’t a good substitute for oil and we need to open the national parks for drilling.

*Students at charter schools will receive vouchers for up to five gallons of regular unleaded gas from Exxon (Thanks, Secretary of State Tillerson!).

Plant Care

Support a potato with two iron nails over a glass jar of water so you can watch the roots grow into the water below. How do the nails help the potato grow? What other metals could help a plant grow? Explain how applying the metal directly to the water would be an even better way of getting plants the metal they crave. For bonus points, include the benefits of lead in your findings.

Make a Model of the Solar System

Good news – Pluto is back! Rick Perry petitioned Congress for its return in status to being a planet thinking the solar system fell under the jurisdiction of the Department of Energy, and for the first time in ten years, the ninth planet must be included in any spherical model.

Make a Model of the Alt-Solar System

This year we will be accepting flat Earth models for the first time in history. Make sure to highlight the ice wall (very important!) that keeps the Earth from falling off into outer space and why walls are nature’s strongest barrier.

Understanding Statistics

Fill out the enclosed form and an actual voting machine used in the 2016 election will be delivered to your school! Use it to allow your whole class to vote on what kind of pizza toppings they like! Afterward, check to see if anyone voted twice. If you find someone, document how they were able to do this. Please include detailed instances of how anyone managed to vote twice and send the results back with the machine. Note that you do not need to include the names of anyone that votes twice, unless they’re funny-sounding, or have an “ñ” in them.

Create a Tornado in a Bottle

Fill up a plastic Pepsi bottle with water and food coloring to create your own tornado in a bottle (Add a pinch of glitter for fun!). Feel how wild and uncontrollable this power is. Explain that high winds can create dangerous situations all over the country and why wind farms always lead to tornadoes.

Make Your Own Fossils

Have you ever seen those neat “dinosaur fossils” in museums? Use plaster of Paris and create your own fossils. Be original with your designs – add horns, fins, and wings (Remember dragons and dinosaurs are from the same storybooks!). For extra credit, explain how fossils could have been buried deep in the Earth hundreds of years ago by pranksters. A winner from each school will compete for a chance to tour Kentucky’s Ark Encounter with Vice President Mike Pence!

The Brain: How to Hack It (ADVANCED)

Do you have a stepmother (or stepfather) that you don’t like? Through a series of lies, tricks and repeating of stubborn convictions, convince your real parent that their partner is working against the family. Create a rift between your parents, allowing you to get whatever you want! Extra points awarded if one of the parties has a nervous breakdown.

 

 




Erik Sternberger

Author: Erik Sternberger

Erik Sternberger is a writer and improviser based out of Columbus, Ohio. He studied at The Second City Chicago and also writes sketches and short plays. He recently had his science fiction satire collection "But It's Not About That" enjoy a well-reviewed three-week run. Follow Erik on Twitter @ZapThunder.

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