Ground Rules for Our Fifth Annual Office Holiday Grab Bag

Holiday Party

From: Ron.OConnell@DurkinHerd.com

To: Employees of Durkin Herd

Subject: Ground Rules for Our Fifth Annual Office Holiday Grab Bag

Hey Everyone,

Since we’re closing in on the end of the year, I wanted to reach out to lay down some rules for the office holiday grab bag. Just to clarify, this IS the fifth annniversary of the event. As many of you know, it was formerly known as the office “Secret Santa,” but we changed the name to make it sound more inclusive. Thank you for bringing that to HR’s attention, Gina.

Rules:

  1.      The gift limit is $20
  2.      Since it’s the fifth anniversary of the event, wood is the theme
  3.      Participants include all office members
  4.      Be gracious and polite when receiving all gifts

From: Ron.OConnell@DurkinHerd.com

To: Employees of Durkin Herd

Subject: Participants in the Grab Bag

Hey Everyone,

To clarify, I did in fact mean ALL office members. We have lifted Carol’s ban for giving the CD of her son’s piano recital as a gift for three years straight, so she will be back in the group. I have spoken to her, and she fully understands that while her son is a gift from above, the recorded squeals escaping from a baby grand piano are not.


From: Ron.OConnell@DurkinHerd.com

To: Employees of Durkin Herd

Subject: Grab Bag Theme

Hey Everyone,

Some of you have voiced concern over the “wood” theme, and, in particular, Alan’s interpretation of that.

Alan – At the holiday party, we all saw that once you slam down a few ‘nogs, you opt to find a container of some sort and bust out your own rendition of a classic Andy Samberg/Justin Timberlake SNL holiday ballad. I cannot emphasize enough that we are referring to wood that comes from a tree. And before you ask, no Alan, we have no plans on giving you the nickname “tree.”

Also, I forgot to mention that the gift exchange will be the week before Christmas this year, so please make sure you have bought something by then.


From: Ron.OConnell@DurkinHerd.com

To: Employees of Durkin Herd

Subject: Re: Gift Exchange Date

FINE GINA!!!!!!! The gift exchange isn’t the week before CHRISTMAS, it’s the week before DECEMBER 25TH. IS THAT BETTER!?!?!?!?!?!?!?


From: Ron.OConnell@DurkinHerd.com

To: Employees of Durkin Herd

Subject: Re: Re: Gift Exchange Date

Hey Everyone,

Whoops…didn’t mean to reply all on that one. Everything is completely fine with me and Gina.

Gina – You are truly an asset to this company, and I appreciate all of your contributions.


From: Ron.OConnell@DurkinHerd.com

To: Employees of Durkin Herd

Subject: Gift Limit

Hey Everyone,

Yes, I am aware that the gift limit was $50 last year. We are trying to be considerate of Jessica since she lost all of her savings playing lottery scratch-off tickets last March (though if she just read the instructions, she would have known that you don’t just scratch off every single box on the face of the card). Please keep gifts under $20.


From: Ron.OConnell@DurkinHerd.com

To: Employees of Durkin Herd

Subject: Politeness?

Hey Everyone,

Not sure why I’m getting so many questions on the whole “be gracious and polite rule,” though based on the remarks I’ve been hearing from you all about Jessica’s lottery addiction (sorry Jessica, I thought that was public information), I guess I can’t be surprised.

The rule is simple, when Tony gives you a bottle of the beer he brews in his basement, say “Thank you,” even though it doesn’t fit the theme. If Martha gives you hand-cut coasters made from a dining room table she bought at a thrift shop, say “I appreciate it,” no matter how much mold is on them. When Alan breaks every rule I gave him, like he does each year, say, “Oh wow, I wasn’t expecting that” and go right to HR. If you need help on that last one, ask Gina…Lord knows she can find them.


From: Ron.OConnell@DurkinHerd.com

To: Employees of Durkin Herd

Subject: New Grab Bag Coordinator

Hey Everyone,

So…someone is going to have to take over the grab bag this year. Apparently, Gina doesn’t understand that “Lord knows” is just a PHRASE, and HR has kindly asked that I find employment elsewhere.

Happy Holidays!

 

 




Mike Brian

Author: Mike Brian

Mike Brian is a comedy writer and performer based in New York City. Follow some of his shenanigans on Twitter @themikebrian and at mikebriancomedy.com.

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