Keep the Devil in National Deviled Egg Day

Deviled Eggs

Good riddance, Halloween! While many fair-weather Satanists are still gorging themselves on Snickers and Jujubes, I’m preparing for a real salute to the Dark Lord. Every true believer knows the best day to celebrate the devil is November 2nd, which is National Deviled Egg Day.

To some, Deviled Egg Day is simply a holiday recognizing a cute way to prepare unborn chicken progeny. Those people are either uninformed or misguided. To them I say, let’s keep the devil in Deviled Egg Day.

I remember last year’s controversy when Starbucks released Deviled Egg Day cups that did not feature Beelzebub. While I appreciated that the cups were red, I will be petitioning Starbucks to use stronger imagery this year. Anything less than an upside-down cross will result in a social media assault featuring passages from the Satanic Bible.

As a loyal servant of Satan, I need not be distracted by egg-themed sales on Amazon leading up to the greatest day of the year. In fact, I gear up for Deviled Egg Day all through October by playing Secret Satan.

Much like a tradition leading up to the birth of the devil’s greatest enemy, Secret Satan involves choosing a target and secretly making their life a living hell until November 2nd. I suggest starting with little things like letting the air out of their tires, and working your way up to kidnapping a target’s pets. No reason to leave animals out of the excitement. Once November 2nd arrives, be sure not to reveal yourself to your target. Instead, allow them to wallow in misery and paranoia. It’s what Satan would want.

When Deviled Egg Day does arrive, I savor each moment of preparing the scared recipe. Each torturous moment the egg takes in its journey from carrier of new life to pulverized embryo seasoned with mustard and paprika is truly a gift from the Prince of Darkness Himself.

The recipe begins with boiling the life out of unsuspecting chicken embryos. But death is not enough of a sacrifice for Satan. The eggs must be meticulously peeled to not disturb the hard-boiled excellence that lays within.

A heretic who does not fully appreciate Satan’s gift to us would simply throw away the eggshells. However, a true believer such as myself knows the shells can be used to encourage a visit from the Dark Lord. On Deviled Egg Day Eve, I leave a plate of broken eggshells and a glass of chicken’s blood out for Satan. If I’ve truly been following the devil’s path all year, I’ll wake to find those eggshells underneath my pillow and the blood smeared all over my kitchen. It takes a long time to clean up, but that’s a small price to pay for a visit from Satan himself. I leave the blood all over the kitchen as a reminder of His presence in my life until May 19th: National Devil’s Food Cake Day.

Suffice it to say, I love the devil and his eggs. And any true believer in his teachings should do their part to keep the devil in Deviled Egg Day.

 

 




Kevin Allen

Author: Kevin Allen

Kevin Allen is a comedy writer and performer based in New York City. He lives in a 5th floor walk-up, and dreams of someday not having to haul laundry up and down all those stairs. Follow Kevin on Twitter @kallennyc.

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