Hey ladies! Are you sick of having company take shits in the same drab old room? Don’t you wish your Thanksgiving guests had something pretty to look at while they hunker down and push out last night’s ill-advised beef tacos?
Well you’re in luck, because here are four quick and easy ways to spruce up that room in your house where everyone who comes over on Thanksgiving will defecate. Just a few steps and before you know it, they’ll be shitting in a room that looks like it came out of Martha Stewart’s magazine!
Scented candles are a great way to add accents near the sink or on top of the toilet where Uncle Al will sit his hairy ass down on Thanksgiving and let shit flow out like soft serve. He’ll especially enjoy the soothing fragrance of Pumpkin Spice or Christmas Cookie, but to be safe you may want to go with non-food scents for Uncle Al to smell while he destroys your defecation den, like Evergreen or the crisp, therapeutic experience of Winter’s Eve. The weak-ass candle will do nothing to mask the scent of Uncle Al’s feces, but it will make his massive shit one to remember before he leaves the room to drunkenly announce that Trump would make a great president.
Monogrammed Hand Towels
Not only are they a great way to remind yourself that the hand towels you are using belong to you, but they also add a dash of color to an otherwise mundane crap room. Your cousin that you just refer to as “the one with the neck tattoo” will no doubt find himself unconsciously soothed by the way the red towels bring him back to Thanksgivings of years past as he relieves himself of one column after the other in your porcelain throne. While he will find no use for the hand towels after not washing his hands, you know that when he asks you for money for cigarettes later that the bold autumnal colors in the shit zone led to good vibes.
Soothing artwork keeps your Thanksgiving guests focused while they bust a blood vessel pushing out one turd after another. Pretty much any paintings will work here as long as they are made up of warm shades of yellow, red, and orange and outline nothing in particular. Your grandmother will be magically whisked away to a simpler time when she sees “Leaves Changing” by famed hotel room art painter Robert Benson just before your nephew walks in through the unlocked poop palace door to witness something he can never unsee.
Rugs brighten up even the shabbiest of shitting rooms, whether they be shaggy or flat. Your toddler will appreciate the feeling of the fibers between his toes when he misses the toilet entirely and then has a grand old time making a snow angel in his own diarrhea. The rug won’t be spared, and you probably can’t return it now, but the good news is you’ll be just like Gwyneth Paltrow in your newly chic bathroom, scrubbing shit off the floor on your hands and knees desperately trying to get it clean before it’s time to bring out a rich, moist chocolate pie for dessert. Enjoy!