WASHINGTON – When elementary school students around the country go back to class this year they’ll find an extra test added to the Presidential Youth Fitness Award qualifications. In Addition to pull-ups, push-ups and the sit & reach, President Obama has added serpentine running to the annual wellness initiative.
In a Rose Garden press conference Obama stated that “our children’s ability to run in a random zig-zag-type pattern over short distances is their best defense against semi-automatic rifle fire. Be it from a coordinated terrorist attack or a disturbed individual getting back at random strangers for being called gay in the comments of their YouTube video.”
For children in grades K-3, students will be required to run 30 yards moving between their choice of desks. Students in fourth grade and up will be expected to move with cover for an additional 20 yards.
An added obstacle to the course will be a set of ropes set two-and-a-half feet from the floor – the average height of a well-oiled, hip-fired AR-15 – that the students will have to stay crouched under. Gym teachers will provide the other children with fully-inflated red kick balls to rocket towards any child whose head rises into the designated kill zone.
“As a nation we’ve promised to do everything possible to keep our children safe, and having failed that, this is what we were able to settle on,” Obama said in his closing remarks before changing into tennis shoes and challenging the press corps to beat his best time through a nearby mockup of the test’s obstacle course.