Inspired by the persistent and respectful civil discourse that has permeated this election at every turn, I’ve decided to read as much as I can about the presidency, current events, etc. You know, giant non-fiction books you’d find on your dad’s bookshelf.
Anyway, I’m working my way through George Bush’s Decision Points right now, and I came across an interesting passage, where W describes the first time he entered the Oval Office as president, on his inauguration day.
“Andy Card was with me as I took my place at the Resolute [desk] for the first time. My first Oval Office decision was to replace the desk chair – a bizarre contraption that vibrated when plugged in – with something more practical.”
So George Bush comes across “a bizarre contraption” that vibrates when plugged in, and, as we all know, Bill Clinton was the last person using that office. So I know exactly what that thing was.
Of course Clinton had an intricate sex machine installed in the Oval Office. Nothing on Earth has ever made more sense than that. Yes, I’m sure the “chair” allowed for one to sit, but it likely also included a retractable butt plug in the center, self-propelling whips and auxiliary lubricant jugs hanging off the arms. Who knows, maybe Clinton even had sex podiums designed for himself, Police Academy-style.
Looking back on Clinton’s
sex dungeon Oval Office, it’s amazing we used to think a 300-piece sex chair complete with whirring dildos that existed only to slap your face for some reason would be the most regrettable thing to ever exist in the White House. But if Donald Trump is elected president, and we start to see pictures of Stephen Baldwin parading around the Oval Office in an expletive-laden airbrushed T-shirt you get on the Atlantic City boardwalk during a national security briefing, you’ll once again feel that tug of nostalgia for the simpler, objectively better ’90s.