I’m Not on Snapchat. Here’s What That’s Like

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Snapchat is a popular app that shows you an image on your phone and then, once the image is firmly lodged in your head, deletes that image from your phone. So that’s fun. I’m not on it, so people often ask me, “Hey, what’s it like to be the only person not on Snapchat?”

Me: Hi Dad. What’s up?

Dad: Just thinking about the war crimes I committed in Iraq.

Me: What?

Dad: Nothing.

Me: No, what did you say?

Dad: I don’t know. It’s gone now.

Me: Mom, what do you know about Dad’s past as a war criminal?

Mom: We don’t really talk about it. That was back at the time that I was having an affair with my brother.

Me: You what?

Mom: What?

Me: What did you say?

Mom: What? I can’t remember.

Me: Doctor, I think my family has some dark secrets.

Therapist: I used to be a gay child hooker.

Me: Excuse me?

Therapist: Go on. Tell me more about that.

Me: No, wait. You just said you used to be a gay child hooker.

Therapist: No, I don’t think so.

Me: Father, I think I’m losing my mind. People tell me terrible things and then deny that they told me.

Priest: Like the fact that I cheated and plagiarized my way through the seminary? I’m a spiritual fraud!

Me: Jesus.

Priest: And Joseph and Mary, blessed be their names.

Me: Well, Spot, ol’ boy. At least I have you to console me, man’s best friend.

Spot: I used to be human before the surgery. You should think about making the switch, too. A dog’s life is pretty good, all things considered.

Me: Oh my gosh. Did you just talk?

Spot: *Barks, wags tail*

Tom Shadwell

Author: Tom Shadwell

Tom Shadwell is humor writer who lives in small-town Indiana, which doesn't offer much in the way of night life (or daily life) but that does provide him with such an abundance of material that the comedy sometimes writes itself. This means that he is apt to take on such topics as Confederate flags, guns in church, and Republican notions of gardening.Tom hasn't always lived in Indiana; he has degrees in literature from two state universities (one of which is among "America's best values"), and he has studied satire, improv and sketch writing at The Second City in Chicago. His stuff has appeared on Robot Butt and The Second City Network. Say what you will about Tom, but the man does the best he can with what he's got.

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