Snapchat is a popular app that shows you an image on your phone and then, once the image is firmly lodged in your head, deletes that image from your phone. So that’s fun. I’m not on it, so people often ask me, “Hey, what’s it like to be the only person not on Snapchat?”
Me: Hi Dad. What’s up?
Dad: Just thinking about the war crimes I committed in Iraq.
Me: No, what did you say?
Dad: I don’t know. It’s gone now.
Me: Mom, what do you know about Dad’s past as a war criminal?
Mom: We don’t really talk about it. That was back at the time that I was having an affair with my brother.
Me: You what?
Me: What did you say?
Mom: What? I can’t remember.
Me: Doctor, I think my family has some dark secrets.
Therapist: I used to be a gay child hooker.
Me: Excuse me?
Therapist: Go on. Tell me more about that.
Me: No, wait. You just said you used to be a gay child hooker.
Therapist: No, I don’t think so.
Me: Father, I think I’m losing my mind. People tell me terrible things and then deny that they told me.
Priest: Like the fact that I cheated and plagiarized my way through the seminary? I’m a spiritual fraud!
Priest: And Joseph and Mary, blessed be their names.
Me: Well, Spot, ol’ boy. At least I have you to console me, man’s best friend.
Spot: I used to be human before the surgery. You should think about making the switch, too. A dog’s life is pretty good, all things considered.
Me: Oh my gosh. Did you just talk?
Spot: *Barks, wags tail*