FT LAUDERDALE, Fla. – Claiming it to be their most advanced product on the market, Rogaine has released a new shampoo formulated to penetrate even deeper into the roots of male insecurity.
The shampoo effectively prevents further loss of manhood, and in many cases may grow some back. “After three years of feeling depressed about my low social status and waning masculinity, I finally decided to do something,” said Mark Hanson, 32, who began using the product after his friends noticed his self-esteem starting to thin at the top of his head.
“For men, hereditary loss of self-confidence typically starts at the temples and crown of the head,” Rogaine spokesperson Dr. Tom Wilford said. “These two areas of diminishing self-worth eventually meet, leaving you with a large blank spot formerly occupied by your value in society and your ability to attract a mate.”
“I was skeptical at first, but since I’ve started using it, my self-confidence has skyrocketed. Women flock to me whenever I go out, and other men respect me and look me in the eye again,” said Hanson, adding that he couldn’t imagine a woman not being able to run her fingers through the very essence of his masculinity.
“The bottom line is that one-in-four men are genetically predisposed to become weaker, more pathetic versions of themselves who no longer deserve the affection and approval of their peers,” Wilford said. “Rogaine is committed to helping men prevent their receding hairlines from reminding them that they will ultimately be forgotten at the end of their brief and meaningless existence on this earth.”
At press time, the price of Rogaine had increased to ten thousand dollars per bottle.