An Open Letter to the Bundy Militia

Bundy Standoff

Hello! I hope this letter finds you all well. I know how stressful occupying the closed visitor’s center of a wildlife refuge can be. Did you bring enough provisions? I know you brought a lot of guns, but do you have enough toilet paper? Wiping your ass with an assault rifle would probably be really uncomfortable. But then again, maybe you’re into that kind of stuff? I know you like guns a whole lot, so maybe. No judgments!

Gun in Rectum

To each their own, I say.

Anyway, the reason I am reaching out is because I’m a little concerned about you. Look, I get that you believe your cause to be noble, that you are standing up to Tyranny™ and protecting the little guy from Big Government™. But that isn’t what is happening here. Those dudes you are trying to prevent from going to prison? They were poaching deer and tried to cover it up with a fire. Also, the two guys in question have already said they will report to prison and want nothing to do with you. So I guess I’m just confused at what you’re trying to prove.

Because from the outside, it pretty much looks like you’re just being dicks. You said that you “plan on staying there for years.” If that’s the case, 1) I really hope you brought enough toilet paper (sorry to harp on this, but hygiene is important!) and 2) Why? Just to piss people off? Is this really just to provoke a standoff with law enforcement? If that’s really the case, you know the government has drones, right? I’m not sure you guys are going to be able to put up quite the fight you think you are.


Hint: You aren’t the Hulk.

Or maybe you’re trying to secede and carve out land for yourselves. You can create Bundyland or Militia World or Nothing But White Dudes, your own country where the rules of the United States wouldn’t apply to you. Cool! I can totally see the appeal of that, because I too am an immature child who doesn’t like being told what to do (Fuck your brussel sprouts, Mom! I can still eat dessert even if I don’t finish them!).

But, just like children who threaten to run away from home, it’s doubtful you thought this through all the way. Let’s say you get to run this reserve as your own little country. Then what? How will you provide everything that you need for yourselves? It’s a wildlife refuge, so you’re probably set on food and water. But what if someone gets sick? Will you have your own doctors and hospitals? Will you have to travel across your border for that? What currency will you use for those kinds of things? I assume you wouldn’t want to continue using the dollar, since that’s a tool of the Oppressor! So will you create your own? What’s the exchange rate going to be? This is important stuff, because you are definitely going to need to trade something for toilet paper.

Or hunt Charmin Bears, I guess

Or hunt Charmin bears, I guess.

That analogy I made about a kid running away from home? I think that’s basically what you’re doing here. Which is especially funny, because the home you are trying to run away from is one that makes it easy for you pull this shit in the first place. They let you stock up on guns. You are able to protest. Even when you go beyond the limits of a reasonable protest and pull this illegal shit, you still make out in the end. The government hasn’t just dropped bombs on you like a real dictatorship would. Hell, they won’t even call you terrorists because they have a soft spot for white guys with guns. You have it good here.

I don’t know why exactly you feel the need to be that asshole kid who keeps holding his breath until his parents give him candy. I’m not you, I’m not in your head. Maybe you’re frustrated over your erectile dysfunction. I’m 90% sure that’s what it is, but again, I’m not you. All I know is that you’re being really stupid, and it would be best for you to just cut your losses and stop this whole spectacle before it gets any more out of control.

And before you run out of toilet paper.



Tim Gaydos

Author: Tim Gaydos

Tim is a contributor for Robot Butt and is not hosting a parasitic xenomorph inside him, so just don't worry about it, ok? You can disagree with his opinions on Twitter @timthinksthings.

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