BLOOMINGTON, Ind. – John Cadwell, a senior at Indiana University, sat stunned in the hallway outside his classroom with 17 other students.
“I never thought my life could change so quickly,” Cadwell said. “But after the incident, I’ll never be the same. She took everything from me.”
Cadwell was referring to professor June Beckley, who advised the class with a trigger warning the victims say was designed to destroy, not enhance, students’ critical thinking skills.
According to sources, at 1:45 p.m. the aforementioned students lost all knowledge acquired after 2002. Community members are blaming Professor Beckley for this complete loss of competency. “I’ve never seen anything more cruel,” Cadwell said. “She said, ‘Hey, there’s rape in this film.’ From that moment on, we could no longer retain information nor access what we knew before that class.”
Cadwell reported that some students began drooling, slack-jawed throughout the rest of the class. “We knew that none of us would ever have a complex thought or conversation ever again,” he continued. “It wasn’t just that class that she ruined for me, it was my entire education. I’ll never be able to think critically again.”
At this point, Cadwell began to literally shrink in size. “She was just such a meanie-head.”
Other students, like junior Adam McGlenna, complained of additional symptoms as they began morphing into actual toddlers. “I can’t go to the bathroom unless someone holds my hand!” McGlenna shouted at no one in particular. “And I need someone to cut the crusts off my sandwiches!”
By the end of the day, the entire class of former college students was crawling around on the floor, crying and unable to achieve any kind of critical thought or dialogue.
This incident at IU is far from isolated. Journalists all across the country are weighing in on a larger scheme to ensure that all college students slowly dissolve into adult-sized children. When reached for comment, Professor Beckley stated, “It was all part of my grand scheme to turn them into toddlers. I’m a lady professor. Isn’t that what I want? Babies?”
The faculty senate is scheduled to hear Beckley’s case next week.