In a shocking revelation, the entire teaching and administrative staff of Wayside School was arrested earlier this morning on a seemingly endless number of child endangerment counts.
The investigation into Wayside began when officials noticed the school building was 30 stories tall with a single classroom on each floor. The building has already collapsed under its own weight once before, which, according to experts, does not foster the best kind of learning environment.
The worst offender appears to be Mrs. Jewls, who teaches class on the 30th floor. She is being charged with a staggering 435 counts of child endangerment, running the gamut from taping children’s mouths shut to stop them from chewing pencils to forcing children to run up and down the stairs to deliver messages to the yard teacher Louis. She also reportedly refused to accept the children in her class as humans, instead insisting they were monkeys until they could prove otherwise.
“It’s really messed up, the psychological abuse these kids went through,” said Allison Summers, the lead investigator into Wayside School’s various infractions. “Being sent to give a message to a teacher who doesn’t exist, on a floor that doesn’t exist…things like that are just cruel and demeaning and are in no way helpful to a child’s development.”
The school board has tried to defend its practices, pointing out that the children used to be in even greater danger. The 30th floor’s previous teacher, Mrs. Gorf, used to discipline students by turning them into apples, a punishment that, strangely, was never protested by parents.
“It wasn’t just the students being manipulated,” Summers continued. “The parents in this town have been led to believe that having their children taught by someone who has a third nostril that steals voices is normal. It’s an insane level of apparent brainwashing that has gone on for way too long.”
In fact, as Mrs. Jewls and the rest of the Wayside staff were led out in handcuffs Monday, students and parents alike protested their arrest. Many students could be heard proclaiming that having the entire building periodically occupied by cows helped them learn.
One parent in particular, who wished to remain anonymous, expressed concern that this was just another example of government institutions creating a nanny state.
“They’re just coddling our kids,” the parent said. “What are they going to do next, close down Horrorland?”