OkCupid Needs You to Have an Account So We Can All Be Happy

OkCupid

Fun fact: The Match Group, the purveyors of digital tail who give us Match.com, OkCupid and Tinder, is going public. That’s right, Wall Street is going to get down with the flirtiest stock on the exchange. Swipe left to buy, swipe right to sell.

Smash to give up on life

Smash to give up on life

I call this a fun fact not because it’s useful information, but because after I looked this up, the email I got from OkCupid yesterday morning made a little more sense. But just a little.

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What the fuck, OkCupid? I get that you want to bump up your subscription numbers to impress that IPO you’re crushing on, but come on. Let’s turn the desperation down a notch, yeah? I’m not sure what methods you used to measure the Internet, but I’m fairly positive your graph is just a bit exaggerated. A graph showing that watching NCIS will give you a bigger dick would be more convincing. You could tell me that eating McDonald’s for every meal every day will prevent cancer and I would believe that before I would believe that my lack of an OkCupid profile was causing the entire Internet to sink into depression.

Especially when we all know what really cause the Internet's depression

Especially when we all know what really cause the Internet’s depression

I don’t know how many former users got this email, but I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if they sent it out to everyone who ever set up an account. It’s hardcore pandering, a blatant stroke to the ego with the promise of stroking other things. It’s so obviously a ploy that it’s a turn-off. Funny thing is, I had just been debating with myself about whether or not to reactivate my OkCupid profile. After that email, I most definitely am not, if for no other reason than to stick it to whichever moronic marketing executive it was who came up with this bullshit.

Online dating has its upsides, but most of the time there is a reason why people delete their accounts. Begging them to come back with lofty promises about how this time things will be better is a play straight out of the abusive relationship playbook. And while the success of the Twilight series might lead one to believe that is what people want, that typically is not the case.

Perhaps the next step for OkCupid would be to send a rep out to my house and disable my car so that I can’t see other, non-OkCupid people. Or maybe cut my Internet because if they can’t have me, NO website can. Basically, if this is my last Robot Butt post, you’ll know what happened.

 

 




Tim Gaydos

Author: Tim Gaydos

Tim is a contributor for Robot Butt and is not hosting a parasitic xenomorph inside him, so just don't worry about it, ok? You can disagree with his opinions on Twitter @timthinksthings.

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