Chuck Lorre’s shows are the anal fissures of television. They’re excruciatingly uncomfortable and painful to sit through, and it often feels like there is no end in sight, no escape from the torture.
But with the end of Two and a Half Men, we have been shown that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. These shows are not immortal beasts from hell; it is possible that they can die. For many of us, hope is once again a tangible concept.
For 12 unfathomable seasons, Two and a Half Men tortured the world, smugly sitting atop the Nielsen ratings after being propped up by…people who left the room with the TV on CBS? People forced to watch against their will? Lorre’s deal with Satan? Having finally been put to death, though, we no longer need to worry about the pain this disgrace to human intelligence will inflict upon us, at least not from a new perspective (our fight against its massive syndication presence rages on).
Despite this small victory, we can’t even begin to think about celebrating. Chuck Lorre still has three more living abominations, with each one growing stronger by the day in its desire to suck the life force out of you and utilize it in a canned laugh track. Those shows are The Big Bang Theory, Mike & Molly and Mom. They are the fiery diarrhea of the sitcom universe; each one brings its own brand of deplorable humor to the table, but all are equally dangerous just by simply existing.
Sometimes, I dream that we’ll one day live in a world where no Chuck Lorre shows exist. It will happen. It…it has to happen. And when that time comes, we can spend our time finally rooting out all of the people who liked these shows and bring them to trial. If there was any justice, these people would never be permitted to see the light of day again or, at the very least, would be banned from watching television. How else can we begin to evolve as human beings?
So we’re one Chuck Lorre show down, and we have three more to go. Brighter days lie ahead, and for once, they do not feel so abstract, so out of reach. We will not go gentle into that good night; no, we will fight to ensure that Chuck Lorre’s sins against humanity will accept their dying lights.