These days, predicting the future has become such an easy task that even the most primitive simpletons can regale you with facts about the imminent fall of mankind, the impending extraterrestrial takeover, and the epic worldwide orgy that will take place during the week leading up to our tragic demise.
But one thing that has stumped our modern soothsayers time and time again is foretelling the fate of our beloved gaming industry – until today.
Last year was a roller coaster ride for the industry, complete with ups, downs, lefts, rights, and a few squiggly jumbles. For starters, here’s a brief recap of some of the gaming community’s hottest issues from 2014:
- Microsoft and Sony join forces to ensure that the production of original, interesting and innovative console games stays halted at a complete standstill
- Blizzard suffers a North Korean cyber attack resulting in the substantial depletion of Mineral and Terrazine resources
- The number of unplayed games purchased through Steam sales and Humble Bundles reaches an all-time high
- Nintendo is surpassed in online usability scores by the Tamagotchi and Tiger Handhelds and narrowly avoids bankruptcy with success of new diabetes management game Wii Cut Carbs
- Apple and the Beatles team up to automatically push downloads of the I Want to Fold Your Pants laundry simulation game to all iOS devices
- The #GamerDate controversy takes the world by storm as antiquated 3D relationships fall out of favor and dating simulation games rise in popularity
Up until recently, the secrets of the industry have been shrouded in mystery, but scientists have finally cracked the code to uncover the truth about the future of gaming. In the following exclusive feature, you will gain extensive details about the major changes coming in the year ahead.
Let’s start with the business’s driving forces:
- The console wars will take a turn for the worse as Microsoft, Sony and Nintendo resort to malicious attacks in a slew of violent and deadly ballistic missile strikes, killing thousands
- Mobile gaming becomes standard in all new automobiles; revolutionary control schemes like Flappy Bird‘s one-touch honk-to-flap system and Super Hexagon‘s elegant turn-based steering wheel sensor help pave the way for innovation
- The entire Minecraft universe is discovered underneath the rubble of Atari’s recently unearthed E.T. desert landfill
- Twitch adds new “Five Senses” feature to all live streams, allowing viewers to see, hear, feel, taste and smell gamers across the globe from the comfort of their own homes
- EA’s market share increases among the 65+ age demographic with a new line of games, including The Sims: Nursing Home Sock Hop, Medicare Reimbursement Rodeo and Grocery Store Coupon Cutter 2K15
In addition to these monumental advancements made by the business’ big players, smaller independent developers have stepped up to fill in the gaps. Keep an eye out for these under-the-radar future classics to be released later this year:
- Furry fans rejoice as creatures from the Sonic universe embrace their freaky side at long last in SEGA’s latest hit, Sonic Conjugal Adventure 3D
- Fez 2 is released following new claims by Phil Fish, who will say he never meant for the project to be canceled, that his Twitter account had been hacked, and that he’d just been too busy grooming his sideburns to say anything
- Katamari Damacy 420 blows the minds of cannabis enthusiasts worldwide and inspires a new wave of creative standards in the professional blunt-rolling community
- Ryo Hazuki confronts his father’s murderer, and as it turns out they actually have a lot in common and hit it off pretty well, resulting in the blossoming of a beautiful new friendship in the highly anticipated Shenmue III
Now that it’s the future, we’ve grown comfortable with machines doing almost all of our work for us. Sadly, there are still some aspects of everyday life that remain dull, having yet to be transformed into entertainment activities.
But thanks to the folks at Game Genie, many of the routine obligations on your boring to-do list will become exhilarating missions, complete with achievements and leaderboards, bringing a much-needed update to how we perceive and interact with daily tasks.
Here are some of the new and exciting challenges to look forward to the next time you’re cleaning up around the house:
- Waking up and getting out of bed automatically gives you an extra life
- Beat your dish-washing high score to get the Clean Plate Badge and prove to your friends that you keep the most spotless kitchen in all the land
- Demolish your debt, knock out your taxes and save the Princess’ retirement fund with the new eXtreme Bookkeeper mini-game anthology
- Permanently raise your HP and MP by consuming one serving of fruits and vegetables per day
- Complete 100% of the Toilet Scrub mission to free the Ghost of Diarrheas Past and learn the secret, life-changing one-wipe technique
Exciting as it may be to know that all this and more awaits us in the near future, don’t think the fat cats in Washington are going to let the gamers have all the fun without making sure they get their piece of the pie.
Be prepared for changes like these in the not-so-distant future:
- Security drones will begin patrolling the entire nation to ensure that if you die in the game, you die in real life
- New regulations result in updated methods for EXP distribution among party members to account for variances in socioeconomic backgrounds
- ESRB rating logos will now cover half of all game packaging
- Strict legislation will be passed to hold accountable those convicted of committing atrocities of cyberbullying, kill-stealing, lagging, ghosting and going AFK
- Release of the Oculus Rift genital attachments are delayed as the government says it requires more time to conduct extensive “safety testing”
Finally, some things will remain unchanged despite the objective need to let go of old traditions and catch up with the times. We may be living in the most advanced period of gaming in human history, but if you think our treasured pastime is devoid of systematic and infrastructural epidemics, you need to take a second look at just how far we have left to go:
- Various minority groups continue to be marginalized; dental hygienists, stay-at-home moms and people with more than five fingers or toes hold boycotts demanding equal representation in games across all genres
- Long-awaited updates to old-school favorites Tic-Tac-Toe, Go Fish, and Rock-Paper-Scissors disappoint fans with underwhelming 720p graphics
- Playing with a SEGA Dreamcast VMU while wearing a Nintendo Power Glove is still taboo in states below the Mason-Dixon line
- To this day, not a single person in history has beaten Battletoads for NES
- The juggernauts of the industry continue to mindlessly pump out cookie-cutter carbon copies of the same boring franchises they’ve been printing money with for the past decade
As you can see, gaming will have come a long way by the end of 2015, but don’t let this knowledge taper your excitement for what’s to come, as the predictions laid out for you on these pages only take into account 99.99% of all possible variables. Stick with Robot Butt throughout the year for all the latest updates on the future of games, gamers, gaming and mechanical prostate massagers.