Why Has 2014 Been Such an Unbearably Cold Year?

Jack Nicholson Shining

It has already been a painfully cold year for most of us, even as we head into May. And it’s all due to global warming. Or maybe this is the evidence that global warming doesn’t even exist and Al Gore could be – huh?! – wrong.

It all depends on who you ask, which means the only thing we know is that no one really knows anything.

But we consulted with some climate scientists and looked at the data from decades of weather research, and we think we’ve come up with a valid, thought-out reason as to why the cold just won’t leave us alone:

You can’t stop masturbating.

Every time you start touching yourself, fiddling with your junk like a monkey, you keep summer at a distance. Whenever you look at the really freaky porn that you couldn’t even tell your friends about, the warm weather hides in the corner. Whenever you make that weird sound as you finish and then accidentally make eye contact with your dog, 80-degree weather considers taking a year off.

So stop playing with yourself, sicko.

Steve DiMatteo

Author: Steve DiMatteo

Steve is an editor for Robot Butt. You can follow him on Twitter @steve_dimatteo.

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