Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

GAINESVILLE, Fla. – The American Society of Wetland Scientists released its annual industry report this week, revealing that hundreds of field scientists are dragged to their death each year by swamp monsters, including swamp things, bog monsters, mossmen and muddites. “Unfortunately, this is just the nature of our line of work,” environmental scientist Timothy Gellner said. “You can’t let the thought of a swamp monster pulling you down into its swamp kingdom and making you its bride get in the way of the important work we do.” Ecologists are hopeful that the strategic release of sasquatches, natural predators of swamp monsters,…

DAYTON, Ohio – Conflicting stories and infighting continue to splinter the social structure of the entire seventh and eighth grade classes here at Pete Rose Middle School. Despite a growing consensus that he’s “completely bullshitting,” 12-year-old Trent Trebor still insists that he owns a copy of a Playboy that includes several pictures of first-year math teacher Mrs. Oates. Trebor first let two eighth graders know about the “late ’90s, or something” issue of Playboy late last week. “They were making fun of him, cause he’s kind of not cool, and then he just, like, told them that he has this magazine…

WASHINGTON – After seeing a photograph of migratory seabirds nesting on a rock, President Donald Trump vociferously claimed that “there were way more people at my inauguration on the National Mall than there were birds nesting on this rock. Way more. Way, way more.” The birds in question are common murres, seabirds that gather every spring to nest on a rock in the Yaquina Head Outstanding Natural Area in Newport, Oregon. Common murres, who are wild animals totally oblivious to anything happening in politics, use this rock as a safe place for nesting and raising chicks. Biologists estimate that up to…

ASPEN, Colo. – In a triumph spanning arts, culture, and sport, Whoopi Goldberg completed the illustrious chase for XEGOT when she landed a double-cork 900 on the final jump of the women’s Slopestyle at the X Games yesterday. Goldberg, winner of the 1990 Oscar for Best Supporting Actress in Ghost, referred to the gold medal run as one of the highlights of her career. “You know, I was nervous about hitting the switch 270 onto the rail up near the top and then stomping the 270 back off it so I could get my toes in front of me again,” she…

ATLANTA – Rumors are circulating over the specifics of God’s newest project, the 2018 flu, after biological specimens were leaked to an anonymous doctor at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention this week. “Based on electron microscopy, the virus appears to be eight nanometers slimmer than previous generations of the flu,” said the doctor. “Which is impressive because it’s twice as powerful; its RNA is now four GB [giga bases] long.” At a press conference at his headquarters in The Clouds, God addressed these rumors dressed in his signature black turtleneck and round-rimmed glasses. “There have been some complaints about…

LOS ANGELES – Following today’s announcement of the nominations for the 89th Academy Awards, actor Jared Leto went on a Twitter tirade bashing the Oscars and complaining that the list was “bogus” and “100% not true.” “If the Academy had any integrity, they would have accurately reported on my nomination for Best Actor Ever for playing the best Joker. Sad!” one of Leto’s tweets read. Leto, who was not nominated for his performance of the Joker in last summer’s Suicide Squad, continued to lambast the Oscar ceremony as perpetuating “fake nods” and being a “rigged system.” When it was pointed out…

DAVENPORT, Iowa – Usually emotionally distant boyfriend Aaron Clark has finally begun to open up to relationship talks, but only during girlfriend Jess Stevenson’s favorite legal procedural, sources report. Much like a night-blooming flower, Clark is 100 percent available and ready to talk between the hours of nine and ten p.m. on Wednesday nights. “I realized that I needed to be there for Jess, and I just wasn’t doing that,” said Clark, Stevenson’s boyfriend of five months. “I’m going to get better at listening to her, and it’s easy to talk when we’re both relaxed and snuggling on the couch.” Stevenson,…

WASHINGTON- Wasting no time getting acclimated to his new surroundings, ten-year-old Barron Trump has already begun maiming and murdering a variety of small animals found all over the White House property, from squirrels and birds to the beloved unofficial White House stray cat Cheeto. “I put out the daily saucer of milk for Cheeto and was surprised he didn’t come by at his usual time,” said a longtime worker who wished to remain anonymous. “I did find a pile of small bones in a closet, but it’s hard to say who or what they belonged to.” In the first full day…

WASHINGTON – A brand-new report this morning reveals that yes, indeed, this is all actually fucking happening. While since November 8th U.S. citizens have known in theory that Donald Trump would eventually become the next President of the United States, many subconsciously believed that there was no way he could really become the next President of the United States. This unsubstantiated and deep-seated illusion was shattered today when D.C. residents saw, with their own eyes, workers installing stages for Mr. Trump’s inauguration, as well as mass amounts of tourists wearing red “Make America Great Again” hats and T-shirts emblazoned with at…

WASHINGTON, D.C. – With President Obama’s second term coming to a close, D.C. residents are preparing for the eighth and final White House yard sale offered by the First Family. “They always have such nice things,” said regular attendee Bethany Colson. “A few years back I got a lovely rug from the Lincoln Bedroom and one of Edith Wilson’s chiffarobes. Oh, and some cute little Hummels, too!” “Yeah, it’s a good spread,” said self-proclaimed bargain hunter Daniel Householder. “I’ve scooped up some lithographs donated by Chinese dignitaries and a few pipes Hoover used. All under fifty bucks.” Some of the…