And some have been there for years. I don’t know, it feels emotionally impossible, morally wrong, even sacrilegious to evict the deceased from arguably the most important electronic document in our lives. Although calls and texts to my expired contacts will always go unanswered, I just want to stay close to those last ten digits of theirs like it’s my twenty year old, disheveled, hanging on by a yarn strand college sweatshirt. The one filled with memories that can never be re-lived. The one I was wearing when a kind passerby shoved a ten in my hand and instructed me…
Author: George Beckerman
George Beckerman
George Beckerman’s short fiction has been published in The Punch Magazine, Queen Mob’s Teahouse, Johnny America, Down In The Dirt Magazine and Little Old Lady Comedy and Potato Soup Journal. His work will appear in the Evening Street Press and Review, Fall 2022. George’s method of throwing words against a wall in hopes that they will be published has been working out quite well, thank you.
Here are ten public statements that are sure to make your tombstone stand out in today’s highly competitive grave space. Is It Too Late To Get A Second Opinion? This Dirt Tastes Like Shit. Fine, Thanks. And You? They Lied. I’m Seven Feet Under. Talk About Lousy WiFi Service. So Many Worms, So Little Time Does This Headstone Make Me Look Fat? The Cash Is Hidden In The Wall Behind The Bedroom Dresser. You Shoulda Seen The Other Guy. Getting Old Became A Full-Time Job. So I quit.
So here’s what happened. I’m cleaning out the lint trap in my dryer. Doing a bang-up job. It’s deep though. Just cannot reach the lower half. So I grab a #2 pencil and shove it into the well. I’m maneuvering like Baryshnikov at the Bolshoi. Dragging up lint like a fisherman pulling future sushi out of the Sea of Japan. O.k., enough with the metaphors. And in the midst of the cockiness, I accidentally (clumsily, actually) dropped the pencil into the well. Now I have lint and a pencil to retrieve. What do I do? Think. Think. Got it! A…
These ten classic rock songs have been updated to be more fitting for the age-group that’s most likely to still be regularly enjoying them. Hey You, Get Off My Lawn Lucy’s In The Home With Dementia When I’m 84 Saturday Night’s Alright For Napping Paramedics By The Dashboard Light One Stroke Over The Line Don’t Stop Till You Get It Up Baby I Love Your Whey Purple Cane Stair Lift To Heaven And a classic that doesn’t need a title change: Dazed And Confused
While multi-tasking as a masseuse – give massage client ear plugs to mute callers’ screams of “Representative!!” While taking a shower- tell caller that it’s raining pretty hard. While breast-feeding – for male operators – While filling out fantasy football selections. During oral sex- (all pronouns included) – place sock in mouth of pleasure-receivers for purpose of muting guttural sounds of joy. If operator is pleasure-giver, then learn ventriloquism. During full-on fornication – partners socks- Bombas usually has some good deals online. Ocassionally remove sock to tell caller that you briefly lost the connection, speak a few words, then go back…
5:12 PM – Laura was in a hurry when she jumped out of her car and quickly strode into the supermarket to pick up some eggs. 5:15 PM – With a carton of large brown free-rangers in hand, Laura darted for the express line. But the half-dozen shoppers already assembled had the same idea. No problem. Laura chose the shortest available queue. With two ahead of her, both carrying baskets, she felt good about her choice. 5:26 PM – The same elderly woman checking out ten minutes ago, was still digging into her purse trying to find the loose change…
The End.
PROS CONS
Not many people know this but…when Neil Armstrong came down that ladder in July 1969 and took “One small step for man”, he then paused for a split second before poetically declaring “One giant step for mankind”. He felt something was askew. The recently revealed truth is, Armstrong’s hesitation was because he saw something on the lunar surface below him. Something odd. And now, the world will finally know what that was. An original McDonald’s Big Mac cardboard container. But how? According to recently unredacted top secret documents, in 1967, rumors began to surface about a space race between McDonald’s…
Very few people know this, but…Theodor Geisel, a.k.a. Doctor Seuss, and Tennessee Williams a.k.a. Tennessee Williams once decided to try a literary collaboration. It was in 1927, while working in the dining room of the Algonquin Hotel in New York City that these future pharaohs of fiction first laid eyes on each other. They were immediately bound by two things: Love of the written word and Ornithophobia, the fear of birds. When Young Theodor was a toddler, his parents rented a cottage on Cape Cod. One day, a seagull seeking nourishment for its chicks, lifted baby Theodor off of his…