Dear Hiring Managers of the World, I am writing to inform you that I’ll no longer be writing cover letters for minimum wage, part-time, seasonal, or temporary jobs until you explain to me why you’re so obsessed with these disgraces to the written word. No one sounds like a cover letter. If you do, you should be spanked with the fourth edition of The Elements of Style. To start the letter, I gotta give you my address. Are you gonna send me a stripper in a cake if I get the job? If so, I like red velvet. The stripper…
Author: Dan Dellechiaie
Dan Dellechiaie
Dan Dellechiaie is a fiction writer from New Jersey. His writing has appeared in Defenestration, Robot Butt, The Haven, New Hampshire Magazine, The Chamber Magazine, The Scare You to Sleep Podcast, and Tongue. His work can be found at dadell.com.
Ceasefire, shmeasefire. Diplomats sure have wasted a fuckton of time when a permanent solution to their nations’ ills is down the street at a rec center. Foosball is the greatest equalizer. No one is naturally good at it, not even professional pig roasters. Even with practice, the rapid twists and dramatic lunges are Herculean feats. It’s soccer designed by pinball wizards high on air hockey fumes. The thwacked ball hits everything but its intended targets. Doesn’t nine little skewered players with terrible aim tasked with determining a nation’s fate sound amazing? Decades of arms dealing and psyops are neutralized by…