Author: Bry Berry

LAS VEGAS—Scandal now looms over the World Apples to Apples Tour after the league’s governing body voted Monday to bring charges of collusion against finalists at this year’s $3.5 million main event. According to CasinoPulse.com, tour veterans Jeff Munson and Earl Stupak now face allegations of marking green apple cards during one another’s “red apple” rounds to try and take home the top purse. “For me, when [Munson] ‘decided’ that ‘bankruptcy’ was ‘juicy’, that was the last straw,” said Kevin Bryce, 36, a first-time finalist. “Like earlier when he picked ‘chewy’ for ‘Claude Monet’, I thought, alright, I can see…

FUNKYTOWN—Local senior citizens gathered this morning to commemorate the historic Funkytown Community Dance Hall one last time before its scheduled demolition tomorrow, a move that officials have dubbed necessary to help grow emerging industry. The facility slated to replace the old building received unanimous support from area manufacturers last June and will specialize in leopard print strobe lights and Rubik’s cube ottomans. “Gotta move on,” said Jeremiah Alcott, a 97-year-old retired cowbell repairman. “Gotta move on.” For Alcott and others, the occasion marked a bittersweet end to an era as they bid farewell to the ballroom that hosted their proms…

ELMVIEW HEIGHTS, Ill.—A neighborhood Wendy’s location has filed a request for official recognition as the area’s good Wendy’s, citing new self-order kiosks and “no pickles when you say no [expletive] pickles” in the briefing. “When you order a Frosty, they write ‘Enjoy!’ on the cup by hand,” said one patron. “Or, ‘Mmm!’—sometimes they write ‘Mmm!’” Another source added: “When Brenda is there, she puts two exclamation points and makes them into a smiley face.” If granted, the petition would reinstate the location as the good Wendy’s for the first time since 2013, when it was designated the crappy Wendy’s on…

OAK LAWN, Ill.—A fourth-generation Irish-American family saw their weekly gathering take an unexpected turn Sunday when attendee Walter McGlynn, 73, suddenly started to tell his daughter-in-law about this here while he thought of it. “This here,” he added, after a pause. “From before.” Sources now say that guests had been discussing rain gutters prior to the retiree’s interjection. “It’s always gutters or aluminum siding or something,” commented neighbor Edmund Kowalski. “On Sundays when I hear them out on the patio, it reminds me to take my back pill.” It was during Walter McGlynn’s second pause that his longtime wife Fran…

SALT LAKE CITY—Patrons of frozen yogurt titan TCBY believe that superstring models are more likely than loop quantum gravity to produce a unified field theory wherein all physical laws converge, a company-run survey suggests. The survey, accessed via QR code at the bottom of customer receipts post-purchase, found that two thirds of respondents somewhat to strongly agree that “superstring theory clearly offers the better framework, despite no current evidence of supersymmetry between bosons and fermions”. Responses to the essay portion revealed a general reluctance to supplant “galaxy formation models reliant on dark matter” with recent Modified Newtonian Dynamics models like…

SOUTH LUANGWA, Zambia—An area giraffe bought out the lion’s share Tuesday in a majority bid comprised of bond issuance and private equity totaling 6.5 million zebra futures. Sources note that the high premium has placed great stress on the giraffe’s capital structure. “The zebras were a huge asset,” one analyst said. “It’s unclear going forward how the giraffe means to generate value with a new savannah full of antelope and a swamp with some hippos in it.” “An acquisition should be about creating synergies, not speculating,” said Adnon Koloff, former general councilmember of the World Trade Organization. “If you want…

SAN FRANCISCO—A local grassroots movement has assembled to address Twitter’s policy of posting a single, one-size-fits-all warning message before allowing a user to opt into viewing a tweet containing explicit images. The message, according to movement members, informs visitors that the content is sensitive, but “without any indication of what it is or if you’ll even like it [sic].” “When you try and decipher what the picture is based on that blurry thumbnail they show, it’s impossible,” said onanist Nigel Ainsley. “It would help if they included a smiley face or frowny face or something, so at least we know…

FREDERICKSBURG, Va.—A lively troupe of Civil War reenactors reported last week to prepare for what some in their fanbase are calling “the next big one”. Hype surrounding a possible reboot of the war between the states has roused the company to make camp at a pickleball court near Chatham as they await further announcements. “Now if only that damned Congress would make up its mind,” commented Andrew McDouglass, a Confederate UX developer from Roanoke. “But that’s Virginians for you, stuck as molasses.” McDouglass is one of eighty men thus far to be called up amid growing speculation over what surprises…

CHICAGO—Archer Heights resident Kyle Tulane has cited “feeling unfulfilled living as a bus” in his decision last month to cease riding his green Huffy bicycle in circles at Pulaski Station. The move comes after a year of intense soul-searching and wraps up twelve years of dedicated effort. “You know how it is when you’re younger, trying on different identities,” Tulane said. “For me, I thought maybe I could make it as a bus.” “I’m sure it sounds silly now in hindsight,” he added. It was on a warm day last July as the now-30-year-old was taking a break at Santiago’s…

MILWAUKEE—A research team at the Wallace A. Reinhardt Medical Institute has begun clinical trials to determine the effectiveness of refusing to acknowledge potential symptoms of heart disease as a possible treatment for heart disease. The trial is being conducted in response to growing testimonial evidence among adults ages 30 to 45 in favor of the practice. “I was sorting mail one day when shooting pains started in my chest and up to my jaw,” said Patrick Lowe, 38, a Manhattan tax attorney, in a recent interview. “But what could I even do? It’s not like I have an emergency room…