To: All Employees
From: IT
As you may have deduced from our on-going refusal to acknowledge any of your support requests, your IT department is angry.
No matter what we do, some rando hacker still manages to break in. Usually because one of you fell for a stupid phishing email or was careless with your personal info.
Well, no more. In an effort to end this madness once and for all, we have created an all-new, and utterly foolproof 46-Factor authentication process. You are to switch to this system immediately. If used properly, it will ensure that no one will ever be able to access your account again.
To begin the login process, simply follow the 46 straightforward steps below:
1. Enter your first name, last name and email address.
2. Next, enter your first pet’s favorite food, toy and maiden name.
3. Next, create a new password.
4. Do not use any special characters. Or regular characters. In fact, do not use any of the 26 letters currently included in the English alphabet.
5. Passwords may only consist of the exact right combination of Kanji, Russian and Sanskrit characters.
6. Please paste all characters in backwards.
7. Next, place your chin on faceplate in front of you and stare straight ahead.
8. Continue to stare unblinking as you activate the intensely powerful 1000-watt strobe light behind your computer screen less than one inch away from your eyes.
9. Keep staring through at least three full-on blasts of light to ensure full retinal identification.
10. Next, activate your computer’s microphone.
11. Use this to bellow alternately like a cow, a bull frog and an Australian Kookaburra.
12. Following that, open the desk drawer to your right.
13. In it you will find a needle and a syringe, along with a medium-sized length of hose.
14. Use this hose to constrict your arm so that your veins bulge.
15. Jab your most prominent vein with the syringe to draw a sample of your blood.
16. Drain your blood until you have filled the vial provided.
17. After completing this step, please provide additional samples of your stool, urine, fingernails, hair, and saliva.
18. Place all samples in the containers provided.
19. After that, mail them to our corporate testing center.
20. Wait 7 to 10 business days until you receive a probationary confirmation of your identity.
21. Congratulations! You may now request your One-Time Passcode (OTP)!
22. Have your OTP sent to at least four mobile devices that you own.
23. Once received, delete the code from three of these devices.
24. Take the remaining device to an independent office supply store.
25. Fashion a suitable disguise prior to arrival.
26. Then enter the establishment.
27. Under no circumstances are you to give your real name to the attendant on duty.
28. Find a machine in the darkest corner of the office that cannot be seen directly from the street.
29. Use this to print your OTP code from your device.
30. Then move quietly to another machine all the way on the other side of the room and create one photocopy of your OTP.
31. Next, commit your OTP to memory.
32. Then burn both paper copies until they are ash.
33. Pay for the use of each machine with separate types of untraceable cryptocurrencies.
34. Upon leaving the store, ensure that you are not being followed.
35. Once outside, you are to text a copy of your OTC to one of the three devices you left at the office via a 256-bit encrypted blockchain-enabled messaging system.
36. Next, delete your OTP from the device you took to the store.
37. Upon your return to the office, confirm that you have received your new OTP code on your other device.
38. Then destroy that device using a standard ballpeen hammer.
39. Continue to pound until the device has been smashed into at least five individual pieces.
40. Gather up the obliterated parts.
41. Then dispose of these in five separate bodies of water.
42. Discard the items from a boat or flotation device located in the precise center of each body of water.
43. Ensure all items sink out of sight before departing.
44. Upon your return to the office, enter your OTP code into the appropriate field and click “submit.”
45. If you are not granted access immediately, you will be instantly locked out of your account for a period of seven calendar years.
46. If you need to access your account prior to this lockout period, contact us for more information about our dental records submission procedures.
Final note: if our new system actually does allow you access to your account, please alert us immediately.