7 a.m.: Hit the gym, gotta get the pump on. Pecs and tris have to be popping for best hug-feel.
8 a.m.: Shower. Extra cologne. Smell has never been more important. Look into the mirror and practice different opening lines. “Hey, hi, hello! Do you know what today is? C’mere! Don’t play coy, we do this every year.”
9 a.m.: Arrive in the office with donuts.
9:01 am: Bring donuts around to all the different employees. It’s not my fault that all those employees happen to be female and right out of college. That’s where all the talent is!
9:15 a.m.: Linger in front of Jade’s desk. She’s not in yet, but when she arrives, I’ll be there, donut in hand, hug ready.
9:29 a.m.: Jade arrives. She’s late because she got engaged. Throw her donut in the garbage. Late employees do not deserve treats.
9:35 a.m.: Avoid Jade as she asks people where they got the donuts.
9:37 a.m.: Be cornered by Jade and shrug when she asks why you didn’t buy enough for the whole team. Maybe if she cared more about her job than an M.R.S. degree–And yes, you do know she’s out of college and grad school so is not “husband hunting,” but c’mon, you’ve seen the way she dresses.
9:38 a.m. – 10 a.m.: Get into a screaming match with Jade and remind her who the boss is and who’s supposed to be getting hugged today.
10:05 a.m.: Watch Jade storm off to H.R. Laugh.
10:06 a.m.-11:45 a.m.: Hugs! <3
11:46 a.m. – 12 pm: Meeting (in the bathroom). Too much creatine in the protein shake mixing with the sugar from the donuts.
12pm-1pm: Lunch! With Hugs! <3
1:05pm – 2:30pm: Get called into Lori from HR’s office. She tries to tell me that I’m “not allowed to hug my employees, as outlined in the Employee Code of Conduct.” I inform her that it is national Hug Your Boss Day. That the government wants me to hug my nubile employees, no matter their age, to “appreciate the role of managers and employers in our work life and to promote workplace relationships.” She tells me that it’s “not a national holiday, Bruce, it was invented by some company to promote their own brand and does not give you permission to harass people.” I politely ask her to stick her Employee Code of Conduct up her a–On my desk so I can review it later and make sure I’m adhering to all its suggestions. Lori says that they’re “not suggestions,” but I remind her that, actually, I’m her boss, so she’d better give me a hug before I fire her for insubordination. She runs off crying. I yell after her: “What? It’s a joke!”
2:35-3:30pm: Write up a report on Lori. It wasn’t a joke, that bitch should have hugged me.
3:35-4:40pm: Meeting (in the bathroom). Stress, probably. Lori really did a number on my colon.
4:41-5pm: Hugs! <3 (Did I wash my hands? Oh well!)