May contain words larger than ‘stonks’
Let’s not pretend you’re here to read. You haven’t focused on anything longer than a tweet since the last time you Googled “is caffeine a personality?” Your compromised attention span is the result of pre-workout supplements, amateur crypto podcasts, and endless porno with shorter runtimes than your holdings. You’re not investing. You’re refreshing a dopamine slot machine with hyper-capitalist delusions.
So here it is. Stock Market Speedrunning! The fastest, dumbest way to cosplay as a financial prodigy while burning indispensable cash faster than you can say “liquidity event.” It has no learning curve, no barrier to entry, and no survivors. You are not building wealth. You are building a narrative for the socials. Preferably the kind you can vaguely allude to on a podcast when you pivot to mentorship. Put the ultra-wide monitor you bought on credit to good use, stop listening to podcasts about finance hosted by people who don’t understand finance, and start to become a person who can proudly say: I used to have a weekend job. Now I have four phones and a dream!
What is Stock Market Speedrunning?
Imagine traditional investing. Slow, methodical, somewhat adult. Something your dad would do while wearing socks and sandals. Speedrunning is the opposite. It compresses the entire financial lifecycle into the time it takes to reheat your leftover chicken and broccoli in the microwave. GAINZ!
You are not here for returns. You are here for screenshots. For posting about your financial GAINZ before they vanish while you’re uploading. For using phrases like ‘market psychology’ after watching three YouTube videos made by someone who vapes because they like the colourful packaging.
It is not about money. It is about myth. It’s about proving you are, quite possibly, a real person.
Popular Speedrunning Categories
Any Percent Bankruptcy
Forget fundamentals. Go all in on a startup with a logo made by any bullshit AI app and a CEO who once tweeted the grind never waits for you. Leverage! Leverage! Leverage until the app freezes and your screen goes black like it’s mourning your net worth. This category is about speed, not survival. Bonus points if you end the run by screenshotting your final balance and call it a “learning experience” in all caps. This is for those who believe bankruptcy is another form of rebranding.
Glitchless Retirement
No margin. No shorts. No options. Only the slow, passive seep of value over decades. This category is played by people who wear financial conservatism like a personality. They say things like risk-adjusted returns at dinner parties and believe compound interest is a love language. The run is pure, methodical, and deeply uneventful. They wear beige slacks. Most runners die of boredom halfway through. Their children inherit two rental properties, a USB stick full of spreadsheets, and a chronic intolerance to fun.
No HUD Mode
Trade blind. No charts. No news. No balance checks. Just you, a Spotify-exclusive podcast about living the superstar lifestyle in a tax haven and whatever the algorithm decides to do next. It’s like careening down a Dubai highway at 453 kilometres per hour in a Bugatti Mistral while the wind tousles the results of your Turkish hair transplant – HAIR GAINZ! No-HUD Mode requires absolute faith in your own delusion. The goal is simple: stay airborne long enough for gravity to feel like someone else’s problem.
Key Techniques
Buy the Dip Infinite Loop
Every time the market drops, yell BUY THE DIP like it’s a religious chant and double down like your self-worth depends on it. Eventually you will become the majority shareholder of a company who make biodegradable fax machines for remote Himalayan villages. The important thing is to keep going. You cannot lose if you never stop… or acknowledge.
RNG Manipulation
Light a Diptyque candle. Whisper “I’m bullish, motherfucker” into the mirror while wearing designer athleisure you can’t afford. Blame the Fed. Blame your ex. Blame mercury in retrograde. Tell your friends your losses are part of a higher-frequency financial awakening. Start referring to yourself as a macroeconomic empath. Grow a topknot with surgical precision. Lie with unshakable confidence until people begin quoting you unironically.
Frame Perfect Rage Trade
Open your brokerage account in the precise moment your self-control flatlines. Post-breakup. Post-layoff. Post-being called mid by someone with a Skibidi Toilet profile picture. Dump your portfolio into uranium or crypto or an NFT index fund with no real-world utility. Not because you believe. Because you want to watch it all burn while chewing gum aggressively and nodding at your reflection. This is not strategy. This is bloodletting. This is art.
Boss Battles
The IRS
You completed fifteen trades in six minutes, claimed them all as ‘strategic pivots,’ and filed as self-employed under the business category ‘Financial Beast.’ You expense energy drinks, a monitor wall, and the ergonomic chair you practically live in. You refer to your trading as content, your losses as brand building, and your refund as seed funding. The IRS is not impressed. They’re not here for your grindset. They’re here because you tried to deduct a failed NFT as continuing education.
The SEC
You called it a ‘community-led liquidity event.’ They call it market manipulation. You pitched it in Discord as a speedrun to generational wealth. No one read the fine print, including you. Your LLC is a meme (seriously, what is StonkHolm Syndrome Inc!?) and your business plan was a screenshot of your Robinhood gains with the caption “we early, fam!” You stream your trades in a hot tub lined with Funko Pops while quoting Jordan Peterson over dubstep. You believe regulation is a form of censorship and refer to enforcement actions as vibes interference. They are coming. Not because you matter, but because someone doxed you.
Final boss: Algorithm Daddy
Not a person. A randomised market event in human form. Every speedrunner meets him eventually, usually mid-trade, right after announcing on X about how much they’re locked in. You’ve got your setup. Clean entry. Tight stop loss. He posts a meme of a cartoon Shiba wearing sunglasses and a space helmet. Your position disintegrates in real time.
You regroup. You’re alpha, bro. You adapt. You’ve watched four YouTube videos on stoicism. He casually renames an entire index after a pun, then tweets “or not lol” and deletes it. The market responds like he signed legislation. You respond by doubling down, shirtless, in front of a ring light, whispering trust the process and everything happens for a reason.
This is the final boss. Not because he’s smart, but because your entire strategy is allergic to unpredictability and his entire existence is powered by it. Beating him isn’t about skill. It’s about blind luck and a tax write-off for therapy. No one wins. You just wake up one morning, fully rebranded as a podcast where you waffle on about your new crypto coin while holding – yet never drinking from – a can of an energy drink you’ve unknowingly become an ambassador for. Good luck.
Notable Record Holders
NugzBeforeBros
Achieved complete portfolio liquidation in 49 seconds. Entered the market with a full deposit, four tabs open, and a sense of invincibility. Bought high, doubled down, and hit zero before the brokerage app could load a confirmation screen. Still insists it was a stress test. Now offers one-on-one coaching under the alias ‘The Loss Whisperer.’
HubBrah98
Completed a Glitchless to Prison% run in under a week. Claimed it was total vibes. Accidentally shared insider tips in a group chat with fourteen screenshots accompanied by an eggplant emoji. Went live during sentencing to pitch his newsletter. Plans to appeal. Also plans to release a course from inside.
JanetYellenFan4
Trapped indefinitely in a Buy the Rumour, Sell the Therapy% loop. Enters positions based solely on Reddit sentiment, astrology, and ambient anxiety. Misses every exit. Re-enters immediately. Treats the market like it’s a chaotic lover they can fix. Currently crowdfunding emotional support in the form of a weighted blanket, a YouTube apology, and several microdoses of TREN.
Bruh…
This is not investing. This is performance art performed exclusively for an audience of other broke men in tech vests who call each other king while haemorrhaging capital. If your net worth isn’t swinging like your mood after six double espressos – or, as you call them, expressos – and three hours of crypto content, you’re not playing. You’re just conserving energy like a coward.
Put on your Meta headset. Open five brokerage apps you don’t understand. Turn on a lo-fi hustle podcast hosted by some dullard who’s never filed taxes. Scream DIAMOND HANDS into the algorithm until you get a catch. You won’t. This is the issue.
The run has started. You’ve already lost control and it’s most definitely a skill issue. Your regret is no longer a bug. It’s a feature. Get good, loser. Speedrun those stonks.
#SpeedrunTheBag #ThinkLessTradeMore #BeYourOwnRedFlag
