Texas Attorney General:
Since your state seems to enjoy executions (586 from 1977-2023, with Oklahoma a poor second with 123), please execute corporations listed below for crimes against humanity.
Doing so affirms that you’re finally taking seriously 2010’s landmark Supreme Court “Citizens United” ruling granting corporations rights previously afforded individuals.
American ideals hold that with rights come responsibilities and consequences.
Below, please find individually appropriate ways to carry out death sentences from the countless execution methods humanity has employed historically.
For objectivity, see also rebuttals said corporations might defensively offer.
Death Row:
Exxon Mobile – [BOILING TO DEATH] – Surprised climate-change geeks target the world’s largest oil refiner? Is their real objective unseating Americans from vehicles, boats, and lifestyles while ruining the fossil fuel industry just to avoid a few hot days?
Monsanto/Bayer – [POISON PILL] – Don’t we deserve love for discontinuing DDT, PCB, and Agent Orange, our chemical blessed trinity, and even offloading Roundup to Bayer?
The Weinstein Company – [DRAWING & QUARTERING] – Not liable anyway for Harvey’s sexual dalliances, what’s a shitload of abuse allegations among Hollywood moguls?
Philip Morris – [CYANIDE GAS] – Enticing youth and killing people? Was our late, lamented Marlboro Man wrong professing, “We all got to die sometime”?
Apollo Education Group – [DRINKING HEMLOCK] – How can Deep Staters claim our for-profit Phoenix U. preyed on veterans and other Americans through deceptive recruiting, advertising, and financial aid practices? Didn’t Trump U. play the same game?
Smith & Wesson (with Winchester and Sturm, Ruger & Co.) – [FIRING SQUAD] – Didn’t we pioneer the first repeating U.S. firearm with a fully contained cartridge to tame the frontier. making America great? Didn’t Boomers revere iconic Winchesters of TV’s Rifleman and Bounty Hunter? Don’t today’s Americans salivate over Ruger’s sporting bolt-action, semi-automatic, and single-shot rifles, shotguns, semi-automatic pistols, and single or double-action revolvers?
Nike (and fellow American-based attire mavens Victoria’s Secret, GAP, Fashion Nova, Uniqlo, Forever 21, Adidas, Disney, and H&M) – [GUILLOTINE SWOOSH] – Wouldn’t you expect naysayer slobs to undress us falsely for leaving a huge carbon footprint and encouraging sweatshops, forced labor, and abhorrent working conditions? And to dress down brethren manufacturers for nurturing sexual harassment and discrimination cultures?
Vigilant Solutions – [BEHEADING] – Is it a problem we provide police surveillance tools, bypassing the 4th Amendment? Databasing 200 million captured license plate photos? Good guys using our tech to track undocumented, pet-eating immigrants? Would patriots object?
The Trump Organization – [FACING LIONS IN A COLISEUM] – Weren’t we living up to our CONVICTIONS? Don’t you know we’d gladly fight, if drafted, alongside our “basement dweller” Christians facing deep-state big pussies, revved up by childless, godless women? You commie/perverts who think Truth Social or QAnon provide fake news itching to get groped?
X Corp. – [UTTER SLEEP DEPRIVATION WHILE SUBJECTED 24-7 TO SHOUTED, DIVISIVE, MUSK”RAT”-APPROVED TWEETS] – Why does Taylor Swift think our leader hails from space just because he wants to colonize Mars? Isn’t he a better alien with his “out of Africa” success story than the immigrants his online platform calls out in the name of freedom?
Coinbase – [OFFSHORE DROWNING, WEIGHED DOWN BY REAL COINS] – Doesn’t it come with the territory when you’re a freedom-loving, cryptocurrency exchange that Deep-Staters will claim you’re a Ponzi scheme and scrutinize you for alleged high fees, customer service issues, and potential insider trading, theoretically protecting the dumb and flummoxed?
Bet MGM, DraftKings, FanDuel, and Caesars Entertainment – [STARVATION OR STONING] – Us evil when America’s three main professional sports leagues sought us as sponsors? Do you really believe gamblers bet on games rather than feeding families? That they’re driven to drugs when out-of-their-league in debt? Wouldn’t you bet the under on that?
Pornhub – [FULL BODY PART MUTILATION] – Isn’t it best that alienated, uneducated proud boys get a hand facilitating jerking off rather than being invited to interact with real women, or to act out violently their repressed feelings in civilized society?
Lockheed Martin, RTX (Raytheon), Northrop Grumman, Boeing, and General Dynamics – [IMPALEMENT] – Shouldn’t American corporations, ranked this way on SIPRI’s [Stockholm International Peace Research Initiative] recent top ten list of arms-producing and military services companies, take pride exporting the American way-of-death throughout the world?
Infinity Ward (Activision) – [BEATEN TO DEATH] – How can our Call of Duty series, even with gamers experiencing airport massacres, promote real violence when players typically don’t have to kill innocents? Wouldn’t Bulletstorm or Grand Theft Auto creatives agree it’s all for fun?
Big Pharma (Five largest U.S. pharmaceutical companies by market cap — Eli Lilly, Johnson & Johnson, Merck, AbbVie, and Pfizer) – [LETHAL INJECTION] – So what if we five had combined earnings over $80 Billion in 2022? That we’re the most hated industry in America with a recent 58% negative Gallop Poll rating? That our lobbyist army with a quarter billion-dollar budget lets us virtually run the FDA? That Purdue, not us, first marketed opioids?
U.S. Finance and Insurance Industry – [BURNED AT THE STAKE OVER A PILE OF LIT JUNK BONDS AND FAILED FINANCIAL INSTRUMENTS] – How can you think we only care about profits and not the happiness (yikes, almost used the word “welfare”) of the American public just because the industry’s 2022 profits were estimated at $5.4 trillion?
Slide Fire Solutions, Inc. – [DECAPITATION] – Didn’t the Supreme Court let our bump stock modification slide by, basically making them automatic weapons used for sport or hunters?
Other American corporations might also deserve the death sentence for ripping the hearts out of loyal fans. In the sports world, for example, maybe the team formerly known as the Oakland A’s, planning a Vegas move with a stop in equally scorching Sacramento, should be ELECTROCUTED. Surely, the Chicago White Sox might be BURIED ALIVE. Even America’s team, your Dallas Cowboys, lacking a Super Bowl appearance since after the 1995 season, might be HANGED. They’ve left many Texans hanging for almost thirty years.
The Supreme Court will be JUDGED BY A HIGHER POWER!
Concerned,
Thinking Citizens United
